When you’re going through something difficult—emotionally or practically—you probably find it hard to ask for help. Most people do.

Data point of the week
According to the National Institute of Health, “estimates suggest that only half of people with mental illnesses receive treatment.”

That’s a lot of people who need help and aren’t receiving it! And that’s in the U.S., where seeing a mental health professional has become somewhat normalized. In cultures where there is more stigma, there are lower rates of help-seeking (and fewer mental health resources).

Many factors prevent people from getting the help and support they need: financial and geographical inaccessibility, time pressure … and many people are uncomfortable asking for help.

Reflection
Difficulty asking for help isn’t confined to mental health concerns. In fact, it can sometimes feel harder to ask for practical support than emotional support. Like when your car breaks down (as mine did last week) and you need a ride, or when you’re recovering from surgery and can’t do everything for yourself, or when all the details, logistics, and demands of life just become overwhelming.

It’s hard to ask for help because we’re afraid of being a burden or inconvenience, or of putting someone in the awkward position of having to say no to us. Or even worse, we’re afraid they’ll say yes when they really mean no and then secretly resent us. Ugh.

Then there’s the idea—promoted by our individualistic culture— that we should be independent. That we shouldn’t need anything from anyone. In fact, merely having needs is cringeworthy. Men are especially not allowed to have needs (or they’ll be belittled by being called female words) while women are labeled “needy” as if this is a derogatory word. So, we’re supposed to be need-less … which of course is impossible. Ugh.

There are a few special occasions where help is offered (sometimes without even asking!), like meal trains after a birth or death … but even these may end before the need for support does.

It seems to be acceptable to ask things of a partner or spouse … if you have one. But the number of single Americans has risen to 30% of all U.S. adults and almost half of young adults based on 2022 surveys by the Pew Research Center. Americans also have fewer confidants and close friendships than ever before, and the less close someone is, the harder it is to ask for help.

With less built-in support from partners, family and close friends, we need to make changes to how we “do support.”

Connection Skill & Action Step: Ask for help or support
Being human means having needs. So how do we address dissipating social support networks and toxic social ideals so that we can access help when we need it? Here are a few ideas:

• Challenge ideals of independence and individualism and recognize that we’re all interdependent. Shouldering your burdens alone is not a sign of strength. Try to shift your mindset about asking for help by thinking of it as an act of courage and connection, not weakness.

• Advocate for social support systems (day care, family leave time, medical care, etc.) While you’re waiting for laws to be passed, think about building your own mini social support systems. For example, can your friends hold a rotating work bee at a different person’s house each month? Or can you share your skills and talents to create a resource pool of favors that can be asked/offered?

• If you’re working on a task or project that is overwhelming or outside of your skillset, think about who has experience in this area that might be willing—or even excited—to work with you. Remember, help can come from friends and family (usually unpaid), or professionals (usually paid). The more you’re able to work within your strengths and interests and hand off other tasks, the happier and more effective you’ll be!

• If there’s a situation that is stressing you out or weighing you down, make an effort to reach out and talk it through with someone. Get support, even if it feels a little uncomfortable at first.

• If something is affecting your mental and emotional well-being in an ongoing way, consider reaching out to a support group, coach, or therapist.

Note: If you hesitate to reach out for support because you’re afraid of being an inconvenience or burden, it may be helpful to check in with the other person about their current bandwidth, ask someone who’s not your usual go-to person, or hire a professional (if that’s an option).

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.

Do you find it difficult to ask for help or support? What makes it easier or harder?
How do you feel when other people ask you for help or support?