Data point of the week
Research shows that people who hold onto grudges are more likely to experience severe depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, heart disease, diabetes, and other health problems.

Karen Swartz, Director of the Mood Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins Hospital, notes that “There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed.” Chronic anger keeps us stuck in fight-or-flight mode, resulting in changes to heart rate, blood pressure and immune response, thereby increasing risk for numerous health conditions.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, has been shown to calm the stress response, and improve health, including reducing blood pressure, pain, cholesterol, anxiety, and depression.

Reflection
I admit that forgiveness has been a hard concept (and practice) for me to fully embrace. Sometimes anger is justified, and people should be held accountable (a.k.a. PAY!) for what they’ve done. I guess that’s why revenge is such a popular theme in movies! It’s extremely unsatisfying (and unsettling) when the “bad guys” get off scot-free, and forgiveness makes for boring TV.

And yet … this quote resonates with me:

Holding onto old hurts and resentments, replaying scenes of injustice, and fantasizing about vindicating scenarios has absolutely no impact on the person I’m supposedly punishing with my lack of forgiveness. Instead, stewing in stress and anger hormones impacts me, including preoccupying my mind with negativity and increasing the health risks mentioned above.

Forgiveness is often framed as developing compassion and empathy for the person who wronged you— which can feel a lot like letting them off the hook. I’m all for forgiving people who a) take accountability for their actions, and b) express genuine remorse … but how often does that happen?

Otherwise, it feels easier to get on board with letting go than forgiveness. Letting go has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with draining the “poison” (bitterness, resentment, hurt, shame, etc.) from my system. It helps to remind myself that I want to spend my valuable—and finite—resources of time, energy, and mental space carefully, not waste them on someone who’s treated me poorly.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Let go of old hurts and gripes.
Are you holding onto an old “wrong” or hurt that takes up mental space and causes an emotional reaction even after time has passed? If so, would you like to work on letting it go? Here are a few things to try.

• Bring a specific hurt to mind that you’ve been holding onto.

• Acknowledge the pain this person or situation has caused, and all the ways it has impacted you. (Letting go is not about minimizing, suppressing, or denying the impact this has had on you).

• Clarify why you’d like to let go. What are the negative effects of holding on? What are the potential positive effects of letting go?

• Identify fears or obstacles to letting go. For example, are you afraid that:

  • You might forget what happened?

  • Let the other person “get away with it?”

  • Be a different person?

• Create a plan to address these fears/obstacles and still let go.

• Identify what you would like to focus your mental energy on instead of this grudge or hurt.

• IF you’d like to build empathy and compassion for the other person, you may want to try loving kindness meditation practice.

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.

How do you feel about forgiveness? Do you think people who have caused serious harm should be forgiven? Does it make a difference if they express genuine remorse or not?