Most of us want people to like us. And many of us are also craving deeper conversations and more meaningful relationships. If that’s you, this week’s newsletter focuses on a key ingredient to achieving all of the above … learning how to ask good questions.

Data point of the week
It turns out that being curious and asking interesting questions is at the top of the list of what makes people likable. That’s probably because most people’s favorite topic is themselves. In fact, according to this fMRI study, talking about yourself lights up the reward centers of your brain, especially when you have a good listener.

Asking people about themselves—and really listening to their responses—helps the other person enjoy your conversation and enjoy spending time with you.

Reflection
Lots of people ask questions, but not necessarily ones that lead to greater connection.

So, what makes for a “good” question? Here are a few examples:

Conversation-sparkers help you get to know people you’ve just met or break you out of the routine with people you know well. They liven the conversation without being too personal or intrusive, and can be used one-on-one, or in groups. Conversation-sparkers are enjoyable, which increases liking and strengthens connection. For example:

• Is there a story behind your name or nickname? Do you know what your name means?

• What are you most looking forward to and least looking forward to about (this fall/school starting/etc.)?

• If you HAD to be on a reality TV show, (real or made up) what would it be?

Follow-up questions. A simple follow-up question expresses interest and helps you dive deeper into a topic. But when you follow-up on something you talked about previously, it shows that you were paying attention (rare), that you remembered (rarer), and that you care (relationship glue). For example:

• How did your (interview/medical appointment/vacation) go?

• What happened with ….?

Feeling questions. These are questions that invite people to share their emotional lives and how they’re doing. These questions invite vulnerability, which deepens and strengthens relationships IF there is trust and safety. Not everyone wants to talk about their emotional lives, so respect the deflect. And asking a feeling question, and then failing to truly listen or invalidating their response, can erode connection. Examples of feeling questions include:

• How are you feeling about (that situation at work/your break-up/etc)?

• How are you doing with …? Or, what has _____ been like for you?
  
  

Connection Skill & Action Step: Ask good questions
To use this skill, choose one of the above question categories you’d like to focus on this week. Next, identify a couple of specific times or situations you can practice asking questions, or people you can practice with. Use the questions above or make up your own.

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!

What do you wish people asked you about more often?
What’s one of the best questions you’ve been asked?
What’s a go-to question you like to ask other people?