11. Really Listen. Your friends will love you for it.
You may be spending time with friends and family later this week, which is always a good opportunity to practice one of the most important connection skills there is … truly listening.
Data point of the week
Active listening falls into the category of extraordinarily simple, but quite difficult! We all know how to do it, and yet our attention is constantly being pulled in multiple directions. In a recent study by Microsoft, participants were only able to focus on a task for 8 seconds before switching their attention to another activity.
And then there’s phubbing (a phone snub, where someone pays attention to their phone while ignoring the person they’re with). Two studies on the impact of phubbing found that it, “triggers negative mood and feelings of ostracism” and reduces trust, particularly when it occurs multiple times.
No surprises there. But another study found that the mere presence of a phone had a negative impact on participants’ feelings of closeness and connection, and how they rated the quality of the conversation, particularly when they were discussing personally meaningful topics. So it seems that actual distraction (phubbing) is bad, but anticipated distraction (seeing a phone) may inhibit people from deeper conversation.
Reflection
We’ve all had the experience of realizing mid-conversation that the person we’re talking to isn’t giving their full attention. Maybe their phone buzzes, or they have a glazed look in their eyes, or they respond in a way that’s out of synch with what we’re saying. It happens ALL. THE. TIME.
We’ve probably been on the other side of this exchange as well. Our attention is constantly being pulled in multiple directions, and it can take real effort to give someone our undivided attention. Which is why really listening, is a true gift. It makes the other person feel seen and heard, expresses caring and respect, and is the foundation of empathy, conflict resolution, and connection.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Practice really listening.
To try this out, pick a few times this week to practice giving someone your full attention, listening to what they have to say, and noticing the impact this has on your interactions. Here are a specifics to focus on:
Be present. Put away your phone and set aside whatever is on your mind to give the other person your undivided attention.
Listen to understand. Instead of thinking about how to respond, or your own reactions and experiences, try to step into their shoes to fully understand their point of view, then reflect back what you heard.
Express empathy and validate their emotions rather than offering opinions or advice.
One of the things I love about the ProjectConnect program is that it gives participants a weekly chance to really listen to each other and be heard.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
What’s your worst experience of phubbing or being phubbed?
How can you tell someone is giving you their full attention and really listening?
