If you’re bored by small talk and despise superficial chit chat, today’s post is about why and how to have deeper conversations.

Data point of the week
Matthias Mehl, a psychologist at the University of Arizona, conducted a study to assess the impact of participants’ conversational styles on their happiness and well-being. Participants wore a device that recorded 30-second snippets of conversation every 12 minutes or so, over the course of four days. This created what Dr. Mehl calls “an acoustic diary” that researchers later went through, classifying each snippet as either small talk, or deeper conversation.

The researchers found that having less small talk—and more substantial conversations—was associated with higher levels of happiness and well-being.

The happiest participants spent 25% less time alone and 70% more time talking overall, compared to the least happy participants. The happiest participants also had twice as many deep conversations and engaged in only a third of the amount of small talk.

Dr. Mehl suggests that deeper conversations are more meaningful and help us feel more connected to our conversational partners … and connection is “a core fundamental foundation of happiness.”

Reflection
Of course, this study doesn't prove causality. It's possible that happy people simply have deeper conversations, rather than deep conversations causing happiness.

However, from an anecdotal standpoint, I can testify that small talk does cause misery 😂. At least for me. And deep conversation does generate connection and a sense of well-being.

It's not just anecdotal. In one of my favorite studies of all time, the researchers identified having a confidant—or someone to talk to about deep things—was the single most important factor in protecting against depression (out of 106 factors studied).

So, think about skipping the small talk and guiding the conversation into deeper waters.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Have deeper conversations.
This practice is for you IF:

• You're tired of having terrible conversations on dates (as many of my single friends complain about).

• You want to throw a great dinner party with a few friends or have more interesting conversation at the family dinner table.

• You want a fun way to get to know someone better.

To try this out, simply download the menu below, and invite a friend or small group to participate in a conversation buffet with you. As with any buffet, you can pick and choose what appeals to you most. And, just like you wouldn’t eat an entire meal before anyone else started theirs, have each person pick (and respond to) a menu item of their choice before moving on to the next course. Yes, there’s some lighter fare on the menu … if you feel comfortable, feel free to go straight to the main course!

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!

How do you feel about small talk vs. deeper conversations? What type of conversation contributes most to your well-being?