Investing in your relationships is one of the most powerful things you can do to improve the overall quality of your life. Positive relationships have major mental and physical health benefits, boost happiness, and even increase longevity. Even so, it’s hard to carve out time to be social. And the process of making friends can be slow and frustrating … but it doesn’t have to be.

Data point of the week
According to research by Jeffrey Hall, it takes adults an average of 94 hours spent together to form a casual friendship, 164 hours to become friends, and 219 hours to become close friends. That’s a loooooooong time!

If you're thinking you don't have 219 hours of free time to spare, you're not alone! Luckily, you can speed up the process by getting more intentional.

Case in point: I recently led a ProjectConnect Facilitator Certification Training for a group of people working with youth in Brattleboro VT. At the end of the training one of the participants said, “I can tell this program works because after only five hours I have 3 new friends!” (There were 3 other people in her mini practice group).

Jeffrey Hall’s research found that people make friendships more quickly when the time they spend together is condensed over a short period. For example, strangers can become friends after spending a just a few day together (with an intentional focus), whereas it may take years to become friends with somebody if you only see them once a month.

Reflection
Not all time is created equal. Yes, quantity matters, but the quality of the time we spend with another person—what we do together—can speed up connection.

We can leapfrog over tens—or even hundreds—of hours and get to the same level of closeness quickly, IF the time we spend together is meaningful, and intentional. Maybe you’ve had the experience of feeling close with someone after only a few hours together? 

That’s what the ProjectConnect program is designed to do. It helps people connect in a short period of time by using question prompts and activities that help participants get to know each other.

Logging “together time” is on my mind because I’ve just spent 10 days traveling around Iceland (literally all the way around the island on the “ring road”) with my partner. Most of those days were spent in a camper van … that’s 24/7 togetherness in very close quarters!

This trip counts as both quantity time (about 160 waking hours) and quality time. Yes, we stepped on each other’s toes (literally and figuratively), but more importantly, we went on an adventure together! We went on strenuous and stunning hikes, saw amazing waterfalls, mountains, and ocean around every turn in the road. Memories were made.

This 10-day time “investment” may be worth as much in closeness as 10 months of our day-to-day routine!

This was a rare and wonderful opportunity. You can’t go on a vacation with everyone you want to become friends with, but you can get intentional to get closer faster.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Get closer, faster. Invest intentional time in relationships
Time may be the most precious resource we have … because it’s nonrenewable. It’s worth periodically reflecting on how we want to make the most of it. If you'd like to get more intentional about the time you spend with other people, set aside 10-15 minutes of quiet, uninterrupted time to reflect on, and write freely in response to these questions:

• Who would you like to spend more time with? What relationships are most important to you? Are there specific people you would like to strengthen, deepen, or repair your relationship with? If you feel stuck, or would like a little more guidance come on you can download the friendship self-assessment.

• How would you like to spend your time together? What might be fun? Memorable? Bring you closer together? If you feel stuck, you can check out the 6 Strategies for Building Connection (they’re not specific to employees), or browse through my blog for ideas.

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
Have you ever felt close to someone in a short period of time? If so, what made you feel close more quickly than usual? Did that sense of closeness last, or was it fleeting?