54. Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, this does
Data point of the week
According to research by Jeffrey Hall, it takes between 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to transition to being a friend and more than 200 hours together to become close friends.
He also found that when the time spent together was condensed over a short period of time, fewer hours were needed to develop a friendship. For example, after meeting someone new, it might take 30 hours over a three-week period to become casual friends, whereas it might require 60 hours to reach this level of friendship over a three-month period.
Reflection
Quantity matters when it comes to investing time into relationships, but not all time is created equal. The quality of the time we spend with another person—what we do together—can accelerate connection.
We can leapfrog over tens or even hundreds of hours and get to the same level of closeness quickly if we consciously spend time together in meaningful ways that build connection. Maybe you’ve had the experience of feeling close with someone after only a few hours together?
That’s what the ProjectConnect program is designed to do. It helps people connect in a short period of time by using question prompts and activities that help participants get to know each other.
Logging “together time” is on my mind because I’ve just spent ten days traveling around Iceland (literally all the way around the island on the “ring road”) with my partner. Most of those days were spent driving, eating, and sleeping in a camper van. That’s 24/7 togetherness in very close quarters!
I’ll admit, I was a little nervous leading up to the trip. That kind of intense proximity can be bonding … or it can backfire!
Yes, we stepped on each other’s toes (literally and figuratively). And yes, nerves got frayed. But more importantly, we went on an adventure together! We tried new things, went on strenuous and stunning hikes, saw beautiful scenery around every turn in the road, and made memories.
This trip goes down as both quantity time (about 160 waking hours) and quality time. I imagine this 10-day time “investment” is worth more in closeness value than 10 months spent together during the pandemic.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Invest time in relationships
Time may be the most precious resource we have … and it’s nonrenewable, so it’s worth thinking about how we want to invest it. Investing time in relationships has a high ROI (return on investment) in terms of impact on health and happiness.
For this connection skill, set aside some quiet, uninterrupted time to reflect on, and free-write in response to these questions:
Who would you like to spend more time with? What relationships are most important to you? Are there specific people you would like to strengthen, deepen, or repair your relationship with?
How would you like to spend your time together?
A trip is only one way to spend quality time together—there are lots of other ways to accelerate connection that don’t involve spending money. You can try any of the skills outlined in the 101 Ways to Create Connection and Community blog or do something that falls into these buckets:
Fun
Supportive (this could be practical or emotional)
Memorable
Celebratory
Meaningful
Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
Have you ever felt close to someone in a short period of time? If so, what made you feel close more quickly than usual? Did that sense of closeness last, or was it fleeting?
