18. Let love in … it’s the cure for insecurity

Making friends as an adult is hard for a lot of reasons. Where do you meet people? How do you get beyond surface level chit chat? But a team of Stanford researchers has identified another, more subtle barrier to making friends: the belief that other people aren’t interested.

Data Point of the Week
Underestimating how much people value us creates a barrier to feeling connected and secure in our relationships.

When it comes to family, friends, and partners, if we tell ourselves that we don’t mean that much to them, or second guess compliments, affection, or positive feedback, we’re much more likely to feel distant, guarded, or insecure.

Fortunately, research suggests a simple antidote. This study found that when people who tend to underestimate how much other people care took time to describe the meaning and significance of positive feedback, they:

“felt more positively about the compliments, about themselves, and about their relationships—as positively as people with high self-esteem felt.”

This simple practice increased participants’ sense of security and satisfaction in their relationships—even 2 weeks later.

But this tendency to underestimate caring doesn’t stop with close relationships—it also shows up when we’re trying to make new friends as an adult.

In a recent survey of 5000 Stanford students, researchers found something concerning: many students believe that other people don’t care and aren’t interested in making friends. This perception of unfriendliness leads students to withdraw, creating a barrier to making friends, and increasing loneliness. A vicious cycle.

And here’s the thing: this cycle is based on a misperception. According to the survey results, most people DO care and DO want to make friends.

So, the researchers decided to test whether changing perceptions would change behavior. They hung posters in a dorm sharing the survey’s results, like,

“85% of Stanford students enjoy meeting and becoming friends with people they don’t know.” And,
“95% of Stanford students are likely to help others who are feeling down.”

They also sent daily prompts encouraging small prosocial behaviors, like complimenting a stranger or reaching out to a friend they hadn’t spoken to in a while.

What happened? Students who received these messages were more likely to see their peers as caring, and that shift in perception led to a shift in behavior. They were nearly 90% more likely to step outside their comfort zones and reach out to others!

Connection Reflection
To feel connected, we don’t just need to BE cared for, we need to FEEL cared for. Taken to the extreme, it’s possible to be deeply loved and still feel deeply unloved.

We have to let in the caring that’s being offered.

I struggled with this for a long time. When people gave me compliments or expressed caring, I minimized it. “They’re just being nice,” or “They don’t really know me.” Ugh.

Somehow it felt dangerous to let myself believe—and take in—the kindness being offered. As if discounting their care would somehow protect me from future disappointment. Instead, it kept me stuck in insecurity.

Two mindset shifts helped me get out of this rut. I realized that:

Deflecting care was achieving the opposite of what I wanted … which was to feel more socially comfortable, confident, and secure. Since I haven’t mastered mind-reading, I decided to start believing what people actually say and do. Unless there’s evidence to the contrary, why not choose to believe people like me (which helps me feel more connected) rather than that they don’t (which makes me feel like crap)?
A compliment, invitation, or expression of care is a gift. Rejecting it doesn’t just hurt me, it also devalues what the other person offered. Recognizing it as a gift helps me accept it more gracefully and show appreciation to the giver.

Of course, this is an ongoing practice. But over time, learning to let in love, care, and affection has been transformative to my relationships and sense of security.

Connection Practice: Expect people to care … and let love In
If your default mode is to assume people don’t care—or want to be friends—until proven otherwise, remind yourself of these findings. Try on the idea that most people really DO care and do want to be friends. Notice how that feels.

And, when someone offer you a compliment, kind word, or expression of care, practice soaking up every morsel. If you catch yourself discounting or minimizing:· Pause and notice the knee-jerk habit of pushing positive feedback away.

Choose to see the compliment, affection, or kindness as a gift.
Write about the meaning and significance of the interaction (as noted in the first study).
“Savor” the experience for 20+ seconds. Research shows this helps transfer positive moments into long-term memory. Done regularly, this can rewire your brain to notice positivity.

Become a sponge for positive feedback—or a collector and connoisseur of positive interactions.

Weekly Questions. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!

Can you relate to dismissing or minimizing positive interactions and feedback? If so, why is it so hard to take in positive feedback?

How does this affect you? Your relationships?