3. Appreciate Differences: challenge your hidden biases
We see the world through the lens of our own experience. I’ve dubbed this “wearing you-colored glasses.” This makes us assume other people are like us, which can get in the way of seeing them for who they are, and truly connecting.
Friendship fact
Back in the late 70s, researcher Lee Ross coined the term “false consensus effect,” after conducting a series of experiments that highlighted our tendency to see our own attitudes, beliefs, and behavior as being the norm, while viewing alternative responses as unusual or wrong.
Many studies have confirmed this cognitive bias, the most entertaining of which involved researchers asking students to wear a sandwich board around campus for 30 minutes with the word “repent” on it, and count how many people spoke to them.
Afterwards, study participants were asked to estimate the percentage of students that would agree to wear the sandwich board, and the percentage that would refuse. The results?
The students who agreed to wear the sandwich board thought that about two-thirds of other students would also agree.
The students who refused thought that about two-thirds of other students would also refuse.
We think everyone else would make the same choices we do—because we see the world through the lens of our own experience. I’ve dubbed this phenomenon as “wearing you-colored glasses.”
Reflection on connection
We mistakenly believe other people are like us more often than we realize. If you want to have that bias revealed (and your mind blown!), listen to this audio clip—a recording of ONE word—with a few friends. Ask what people hear.
When my partner and I did this experiment, I heard one word, and she heard a completely different one. I was stunned! It’s SO clear.
It’s not like the optical illusion where you see 2 faces or vase, or even the black and blue vs. gold and white dress debate, because even when I try, I simply CAN’T hear the other word. I just have to accept that roughly half the population is having a completely different experience.
This example is just one benign word. It’s much harder to wrap our heads around bigger divides, like Democrat vs. Republican.
Or to recognize and respect differences in our relationships. For example, I like to make decisions quickly and jump into action. My partner likes to be slow and deliberate and gather information before acting. This can cause friction when we need to make joint decisions! It’s hard—for both of us—to accept that there are multiple “right” ways to make decisions!
Assuming that people are the same as us is often a privilege that comes at a cost. The group with more power assumes that their perspectives are the norm, while groups with less power are expected to conform, adapt, or code-switch. This is true across cultures, genders, race, neurodiversity, and more.
We all want to be able to be ourselves—to be seen and valued for who we are. Instead of assuming people are “like us,” look for points of similarity AND difference.
It’s hard to believe, but not everyone likes bananas!
Friendship Practice: Appreciate differences
Ignoring differences—consciously or unconsciously—undermines true connection. You can challenge the false consensus effect by seeking out experiences that broaden your perspective. This could be anything from trying to understand a friend’s different communication style, to learning about a different culture or belief system.
Perhaps even harder than recognizing differences, is appreciating them. There may be places where differences cause conflict, friction, or discomfort.
Ask yourself: where do you center your way of being/communicating/doing things, and expect others to adapt? If you belong to a more dominant group in this interaction (for example, white, male, neurotypical), can you recognize that the other person’s perspective/way of being may be equally valid and valuable, and change your approach to meet them rather than vice versa?
Weekly question. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
What’s a moment when you realized someone experienced a situation completely differently from you?
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