4. Ditch the "shoulds." Unrealistic social expectations will make you miserable.
Ever get down on yourself because you’re not where you think you “should” be in life? Most people struggle with this—and the issue often has more to do with expectations than reality.
Data Point of the Week:
We’re often fed unrealistic ideals about what our lives are supposed to look like.
Take the "College is the best four years of your life!" narrative. If students aren't having the Best. Time. Ever. it can feel like failure. But seriously, who wants to peak by 22? If that were true, your happiness would look like one long downhill after graduation. Like this FAKE graph:
Fortunately, REAL data from Gallup (based on hundreds of thousands of people worldwide) shows a different story. Happiness does dip in your 20s and 30s, then steadily climbs starting in your 40s.
Why the post-college dip? Research is clear that the number one predictor of happiness is having good relationships/feeling connected. The 20s and 30s tend to be a time we’re so focused on career and starting a family that we friendships get pushed aside. I call this “the friendship dip.”
To avoid it, prioritize maintaining friendships even during those busy decades … and reframe harsh expectations of what your life is “supposed to” look like.
Connection Reflection
Lately I’ve been mulling over how much misery is caused by constantly trying (and failing) to live up to unrealistic expectations. As expectations get higher, the gap gets wider.
These expectations can be insidious. We may absorb them without realizing it, then beat ourselves up for not measuring up. Do these sound familiar?
I should have a partner or be married by (fill in the blank age).
I should have a best friend, have (fill in the blank number) of friends, and those friendships should last forever.
Finding and making friends is supposed to happen naturally (through kismet or chemistry rather than effort and planning).
I’m supposed to be naturally good at relationships and social skills (even though I’ve never been taught these skills).
Connecting is supposed to feel easy and enjoyable, not awkward or anxiety-provoking.
And these are just a few of our expectations about relationships, let alone the ones we have about our looks, careers, money, etc.
Even if you don't consciously believe these, how often do you catch yourself measuring your life against them? Or comparing yourself to someone else who seems to have it all together?
I find myself caught in this trap more often than I’d like … and seeing it doesn’t stop me from walking right in. 😫 It’s possibly my biggest source of misery!
The thing is, I want to have high expectations. I want to keep reaching for big things. But there’s a big difference between “I’d love to achieve this” and “I should already have this.” One motivates, and the other fuels self-criticism, shame, and discouragement.
Connection Practice: Ditch the “Shoulds”
We’re happiest when our reality meets or beats our expectations. So instead of trying to change your life overnight, what if you changed your expectations to be kinder and more realistic? Try this:
Remember, social skills are learned. You can improve your ability to build connection and make friends as an adult at any age.
Question rosy pictures and unrealistic social ideals. If it seems like everyone but you has close friends, remind yourself that half of Americans report being lonely. This isn’t a “you” problem—it’s a national friendship famine.
Share stories of struggle. Making friends as an adult—or student—is hard. Share your own challenges, the My College Transition or The Life Span of Loneliness video to normalize struggles..
Stop the compare and despair cycle. Comparison is a natural human tendency, so you’re resisting a strong urge. But remember that comparing your internal experience with their external appearance isn’t a fair fight—it’s a set up for comparanoia.
Focus on progress vs. outcomes. Are you taking steps toward what matters to you? Be kind to yourself … it usually takes more time that we think, but you’re headed in the right direction!
Weekly Questions. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
Which of these expectations do you relate to most? How have they impacted you?
Have you ever successfully shifted an expectation that was harming you?
Stop trying to measure up!