99. Break up with a friend. Are you in a friendship that's harmful to your health?
I usually write about the many benefits of friendship … but sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is end one. Have you reached that point?
Friendship Fact
Our adult friendship networks may not be as stable as we’d like to think. Research by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst found that while the size of our friendship group stays about the same over time, the people in our group change constantly.
“You lose about half of your close network members every seven years.”
A major reason for this fluctuation is that many friendships are contextual. When we change jobs or retire, our work friends stay behind. When we move, our neighborhood friendships don’t come with us.
Friendships thrive on frequent contact, which takes effort when you’re no longer part of each other’s daily lives.
And then there are the friendships we end intentionally. One study found that we end an average of five relationships—with friends or family members—in our lifetime, usually because of a “massive fallout.” Another noted that “84% of women and 75% of men report having a toxic friend at some point.” These relationships don’t just quietly fade away—they can contribute to stress, burnout, and depression.
Connection Reflection
In the Atlantic, Jennifer Senior points out that friendships are unique because we choose them—again and again. “You have to continually opt in. That you choose it is what gives it its value.”
Sometimes though, the healthiest choice is to opt out. A friend of mine once called her friendship housecleaning “The Great Purge of ’98.”
Of course, we can’t walk away from every difficult relationship we’d like to! (A survey by the American Psychological Association found that 75% of Americans say their boss is the most stressful part of their day.😫) Sometimes the challenging person is a family member you still care about, despite everything. And sometimes, honestly, even a so-so friendship feels better than no friendship at all.
But, if you’re thinking about ending a friendship, here’s a step-by-step guide to do it thoughtfully, and with kindness.
Friendship Practice: Break up with a friend
Ending a friendship is never easy, but sometimes it’s the best way forward. Here’s how to think it through before you make a move:
Ask yourself: “What impact does this person have on me—both positive and negative? How do I feel when we spend time together? Do they lift me up, or pull me down?”
Watch for these “red flag” behaviors:
They’re often critical, judgmental, or shaming.
They’ve broken your trust or repeatedly let you down.
The friendship always feels one-sided—centered on their needs, interests, schedule.
You dread seeing them, or don’t like who you become when you’re around them.
Does your friend make it ALL ABOUT THEM?
Source: Mimi and Eunice
Before ending things completely, ask yourself: “Can this be repaired? Could a conversation help shift the dynamic? Would setting clear boundaries or taking time apart help minimize the impact?” Sometimes you can let the friendship gradually fade by spending less time together and letting them move from your inner circle to your outer circle.
If you decide it’s time to end the friendship—especially with someone you were once close with—try to muster up the courage to have a conversation with. Ghosting is painful and leaves both people without closure or the opportunity to grow.
Use “I statements” to share how you feel and why you need distance. For example:
“I’ve been feeling ________ in our friendship for (amount of time), and that’s not something I’m okay with. I need to (end our friendship/take some space).”
If they ask why, briefly name the specific patterns, dynamics, or changes that led you to this point.
Tip: Plan what you want to say ahead of time. It can be helpful to write down—or rehearse—key points, to help you communicate clearly even if the conversation gets emotional.
Weekly Questions. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
Have you ever broken up with a friend, or been broken up with? What impact did it have, for better or for worse
Is there anyone in your life you’re thinking about stepping back from?
