It's hard to let go of old grudges … but holding on to them may compound the damage caused by the original offense. This week’s post explores how to let go of resentment—and protect your health—without letting the other person off the hook.

Friendship Fact
People who hold onto grudges face serious health consequences. Karen Swartz, Director of the Mood Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins Hospital, puts it this way:

“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed.”

Chronic anger keeps us stuck in fight-or-flight mode, raising heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones which damages our immune system over time. This boosts our risk for numerous health conditions, including severe depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, heart disease, and diabetes.

Forgiveness does the opposite. It calms the body’s stress response, improving health by lowering blood pressure, pain, cholesterol, anxiety, and depression.

Reflection
I admit that it’s been hard for me to fully embrace the concept—and practice—of forgiveness (hey, I’m a Scorpio 😉). Sometimes anger is justified, and people should be held accountable (a.k.a. PAY!) for what they’ve done. Maybe that’s why revenge stories are so popular! It feels unsatisfying and unfair when the “bad guys” get off easy. Forgiveness makes for boring TV.

And yet … this quote resonates with me:

Variations on this quote have been attributed to Carrie Fisher, St. Augustine, Buddha, and many others.

Holding onto old hurts, replaying past injustices, and fantasizing about vindicating scenarios has zero impact on the person I’m supposedly punishing with my lack of forgiveness. 🫤

Instead, I’m the one stewing in stress hormones, filling my mind with negativity and increasing my health risks, while the other person goes about their day, completely unaffected.

Forgiveness is often described as finding compassion for the person who hurt you—but that can feel a lot like letting them off the hook. I can get on board with forgiving someone who takes accountability for their actions, and expresses genuine remorse … but how often does that happen?

Here’s what helps me: focusing on letting go instead of forgiving. Letting go isn’t about the other person—it’s about clearing the “poison” (bitterness, resentment, hurt, shame) from my own system. It’s about choosing not to waste precious time, energy, and mental space on someone who’s treated me badly.

Friendship Practice: Let go of old hurts and gripes.
Are you holding onto an old “wrong” or hurt that stirs up emotions every time you think about it? If so, would you like to work on letting it go? Try these steps.

Identify a specific hurt you’ve been carrying
Acknowledge the pain this person or situation has caused, and how it’s impacted you. (Letting go isn’t about minimizing, suppressing, or denying the impact this has had on you).
Get clear on WHY you want to let this go. What is it costing you to hold on? What could you gain from letting go?
Name your fears of letting go. For example, are you afraid that you might:
o   Forget what happened?
o   Let the other person “get away with it?”
o   Become a different person?
What would help you move past these fears?
Choose something you’d rather spend your mental energy on and name it with a value-based word or sentence. For example, “trustworthy friends.”
Any time you catch yourself heading into the grudge spiral, remind yourself of your priorities. For example, “I choose to focus on trustworthy friends.”
IF you’d like to try to cultivate empathy and compassion for the other person (and yourself), a loving kindness meditation practice can help.

Questions of the week. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!

How do you feel about forgiveness?
Do you think people who have caused serious harm should be forgiven?
Does it make a difference if they express genuine remorse or not?

98. Let go: Holding a grudge may be harmful to your health.

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