91. Reframe Social Stress as Excitement
If anxiety gets in the way of being your best in social situations—and high-pressure moments like a presentation or interview—this post is for you.
Friendship Fact
Most people believe that anxiety is a BAD THING that interferes with performance—whether it’s an interview, a date, or an exam. However, several studies show that it’s not anxiety itself that harms our performance—it’s our anxiety about feeling anxious that does! How we interpret and react to our nerves makes all the difference.
Imagine a high-pressure situation. (Researchers like to subject study participants to what’s called a “social stress test” such as giving an impromptu speech or a karaoke performance—in front of judges of course. Fun!) You’re likely to feel your heart race, your mouth go dry, butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms—the whole deal.
As soon as you notice these stress-response signals, your “meta-emotions” kick in. That’s how you feel about how you’re feeling. For example, your stress about feeling stressed. Most people—as they’re preparing for their speech—notice their nerves and think, “Oh #$%^&*!, I’m feeling anxious!” then try to calm themselves down by taking a few deep breaths.
Turns out that “Oh #$%^&*!” sense of panic isn’t helpful (no shock there). But neither is trying to calm down (that on is surprising!). Here’s why:
When you’re in a state of high physiological arousal (pre-performance jitters), it’s difficult to transition quickly to the opposite physiological state of low arousal (calm).
When you’re mentally wrapped up in trying to suppress anxiety, calm down, or otherwise manage yourself, you’re essentially multi-tasking and pulling attention away from fully engaging in the task at hand.
The more effective approach is to interpret your nerves as a GOOD THING.
A series of studies show that when nerves show up, participants who tell themselves “I’m excited!” rather than “I’m anxious,” or nothing at all, perform better and are rated as more confident by independent judges. This works because “excited” fits with the signs of high physiological arousal they’re experiencing and frames it as a positive, rather than fighting to change to a completely different state.
Another study shows that participants instructed to interpret their nerves as helpful—not harmful—to their performance subsequently perform better. For example, participants who read a short paragraph, saying “Stress doesn't hurt performance. People who feel anxious during a test actually do better” scored significantly higher on the math section of the GRE compared to participants receiving no instruction!
Reflection
A 2-second shift from anxiety to excitement—or even the more neutral “nerves”—can make a difference.
This is a highly relevant topic for me at the moment, because I’ve been experiencing a lot of “nerves” about traveling alone to TX for an in-person training. So many logistics! So much that could go wrong! It’s helpful to remind myself that I’m excited! It’s a fantastic opportunity! I love doing in-person trainings. There’s so much energy in the room. I get to hear the laughter and witness people connecting, which I can’t do when people are in Zoom breakout rooms.
Aren’t we often nervous and excited about the same things? When I focus on the excitement—before doing something I’m nervous about—it helps me get out of my head and stay present. It doesn’t make the “nerves” go away, (if you try this strategy, your heart will still race, and you’ll still have butterflies) but it helps me stop focusing on them.
Friendship Practice: Re-frame anxiety as excitement
To try this strategy, pay attention to when you experience nerves and:
Instead of trying to relax or calm down, tell yourself, “I’m excited!” “I’m pumped!” “I’m psyched!” “You’ve got this!” or your own version that feels natural.
Tell yourself, “Don’t worry about feeling nervous because nerves actually improve performance.”
Instead of trying to suppress your stress, remind yourself that your physiological reaction is helping you rise to the challenge by giving you extra energy and focus. Channel that extra energy into the task at hand.
If you want to dig deeper, check out the TED Talk “How to Make Stress Your Friend” by Kelly McGonigal.
This strategy helps when you feel performance “nerves,” such as a presentation, interview, or test. It can be used socially stressful situations, like trying to make new friends as an adult, going on a first date, or having a difficult conversation.
Question of the week:
What do you do to help you get through social nerves? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your approach.
PANIC!!!
EXCITEMENT!!!