93. Speak up/Call in: Addressing behaviors that destroy connection

Behaviors that destroy connection are common—just turn on the news for extreme examples: divisive vitriol, violence, war. What’s happening on the macro-level can feel overwhelming … but we do have the power to address harmful behaviors in our day-to-day lives, and that can have a big impact.

In our relationships, workplaces, and communities, creating trust and connection isn’t just about doing the good stuff—active listening empathy—it’s also about stopping harmful behaviors. Sometime the biggest impact comes from speaking up.

Data point of the week
According to stopbullying.gov, 19% of students ages 12-18 experienced bullying nationwide.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end in school. A Harvard Business Review article estimates that 30% of Americans are bullied at work.

The good news? Witnesses can make a huge difference. Research shows that when someone intervenes and speaks up on behalf of the person being targeted, it can completely change the outcome.

Reflection
Speaking up is hard. Most of us were never taught how to use our voices and assert ourselves in these situations. Plus, it violates social norms (always uncomfortable), especially when that person is in a position of power. Silence is easier, but it allows the harm to continue unchecked.

On the other hand, the pendulum can swing too far in the opposite direction. “Calling out,” or public, performative criticism often magnifies the problem it claims to address—and destroys connection in the process. It tends to create shame and defensiveness, which leads to escalation or withdrawal, not learning or change.

“Calling in” is different. It invites a real conversation that helps someone understand the impact of their actions without shaming them.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Speak up, call in.
When you notice behaviors that erode connection, like racist “jokes,” or someone being criticized or silenced, practice courage and speak up, even if it makes you anxious.

Always assess safety, and potential repercussions—for yourself and others—before you intervene.

Here are some sample phrases:

• Offensive jokes or comments:

  • Hey, that joke/comment demeans [targeted group]. Was that your intention?

  • We’re trying to create a culture belonging here … how do you think your joke/comment affects that?
    
    

• When a specific person is being targeted:

  • I don’t feel comfortable with the way you’re speaking to [name].

  • Check in privately with the person being treated poorly and ask how they are experiencing it and what support they need.

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!

When have you asked someone to stop a damaging behavior? How did you feel before and after? Did it work?

Can you remember seeing someone else intervene effectively?