Most people will tell you they hate mingling, networking, and shallow, superficial, “cotton candy conversations.” So why do we ignore our preference for deeper conversation and continue to engage in small talk?!

Data point of the week
That’s exactly the question Dr. Nicholas Epley sought to answer in a series of 12 experiments with over 1,800 participants. The researchers broke participants into pairs—with strangers—and had them discuss either deep or shallow topics.

Before each conversation, they asked participants their prediction about: how awkward the conversation would be, how connected they would feel to their conversation partner, and how much they would enjoy it.

Afterward, they asked participants to rate their real experience: how it actually was, how connected they felt, and how much they enjoyed it.

Here’s what they found:

Participants rated deep conversations as more enjoyable and felt a stronger sense of connection. People actually enjoy deeper conversations!
Participants slightly overestimated how awkward shallow conversations would feel and dramatically overestimated how awkward deeper conversations would feel. We’re bad at predicting what we will (and won’t) enjoy!
Participants believed that their conversation partners would be uncomfortable with and disinterested in deeper conversation. We’re also bad at predicting what other people want!
Participants assumed that the conversation would be less awkward and more pleasant if they kept it light … but this wasn’t true.

Reflection
This study revealed that we get stuck in shallow conversations even though both parties would prefer to have deeper conversations, would find them more enjoyable, and would ultimately feel more connected … because we falsely assume the other person isn’t interested or wants to keep it light!

These false assumptions inhibit us from taking risks, but there’s more to it than that.

“Small talk is the default social norm.”

It’s what we fall back on because breaking social norms is uncomfortable.

But you can easily create a different social norm by providing a structure. A structure says, “Here’s what we’re going to do together.”

Unfortunately, most social situations lack structure. People think, “If you bring them together, they will connect.” Nope. (Sorry, Field of Dreams!)

Introverts in particular hate unstructured social situations … you know, where you walk into a room and are supposed to mingle (oh dread) when everyone is already huddled in little clusters. That describes most work holiday parties, department get-togethers, and social events I’ve ever attended.

The only way (besides not going) to avoid the social awkwardness is to find a buddy to go with—and stick to them like glue! That makes the event bearable, but means you only connect with the people you’re already connected with.

Structure provides a focus that makes social situations more comfortable. The structure of a game night facilitates fun and laughter. ProjectConnect groups/friending clubs use the structure of question prompts to facilitate deeper conversation and connection. No one needs to struggle with how to make conversation or go deeper. The structure creates a social norm of meaningful talk instead of small talk.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Provide Structure
The next time you’re hosting an event, activity, or get-together—at work or at home—consider providing some structure. (If you want to attend social activities to make friends, look for ones that have a structure that encourages meaningful interaction).

Here are a few ideas:

Try assigning people to groups or tables instead of letting people self-select (there are pros and cons to both, so don’t be afraid to experiment and mix it up).
Provide conversation prompts at tables. If the group doesn’t know each other well, aim for a range of light and deep.
Plan an activity, like bringing a photo or something you made yourself, to share with the group.

Structure can even be helpful one on one. Think about when you’re trying to get to know a new friend. Doing an activity together—from going to a museum to axe-throwing—can take the pressure off of making conversation. If you want deeper conversation, you can introduce structure by saying, “Hey, saw this menu of conversation prompts for making friends. Would you be up for giving it a try?”

If you’d prefer to implement a ready-made, proven program for building relationships quickly (and skipping the small talk) check out ProjectConnect.

Questions. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!

How do you feel about small talk vs. deeper conversations?

87. Providing Structure at Social Events Helps You Build Connection

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