86. Get in touch! 7 benefits of physical affection.
We’re more hyper-connected than ever—yet many of us go days without meaningful interaction … or someone touching us. This week’s post explores why we’re so “out of touch” (pun fully intended) and why physical contact matters more than you think.
Friendship Fact
We are hardwired for physical touch—your body needs it. Here’s what it does:
Boosts your immune system
Lowers blood pressure
Releases oxytocin, a.k.a. the “feel-good” or “bonding” hormone
Decreases levels of stress hormones like cortisol
Triggers endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers
Helps premature babies gain weight, just from gentle stroking
Reduces depression and irritability in people with dementia
Connection Reflection
Regular physical touch is essential to our health and well-being … yet we’re living in a touch-deprived world. And the pandemic decreased touch even further. Remember this?
When I’ve traveled in other (non-western) parts of the world, I’ve been struck by how common it is to see public displays of platonic affection. Friends holding hands, touching arms, bumping shoulders. In the U.S., physical affection is mostly reserved for couples, and even then it’s pretty minimal.
Back in the 1960s, psychologist Sidney Jourard counted the number of times couples touched while sitting in coffee shops. Touch included hand-holding, back-stroking, hair-caressing, knee-patting, and so on. His findings were striking: couples in San Juan PR touched 180 times per hour, compared to 110 times in Paris, 2 times in Gainesville, FL, and ZERO in London.
I’d guess that touch has only declined since then. Heightened awareness about unwanted touch may contribute to fear of any physical affectionate. Many schools have prohibited ALL touch out of fear of allegations. I find this terribly sad. We all need safe, healthy, consensual touch, especially children.
It’s a touchy subject (I can hear the groans!), but how do we stop inappropriate touch without losing the healthy, affirming kind?
Photo Credit: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
Connection Practice: Increase Your TQ (Touch Quotient)
Take a moment to reflect on the amount and quality of touch in your life. What kinds of touch do you want more of—or less of? If you’d like to increase your TQ, try a few of these ideas:
Snuggle with pets—while not the same as human touch, petting animals lowers blood pressure and reduces stress.
If you have young children in your life, play with them! Young children are naturally physical and will climb all over you if you let them!
If you have a partner, track how many times you touch during an evening together. Can you double it?
If you can afford it, treat yourself to a massage.
Notice how often you and your friends touch when you get together. Do you hug? Touch each other’s arms, knees, etc.? See if you can increase comfortable touch in your friendships. If you have a naturally affectionate friend, let them be a role model. Notice how they use touch and try it out yourself.
Not sure if your touch will be welcome? Just ask: “Are you a hugger?” or “Can I give you a hug?”
If you grew up in a non-touchy family—as I did—remember that physical affection, like any social skill, can be learned. Those “to hug or not to hug” moments can feel awkward at first, but hey, connection is all about increasing your awkward tolerance!
Weekly Questions. Please share your responses in the comments.
How do you feel about hugs? If you’re a fan, what makes for a good vs. terrible hug? Who are the awkward huggers in your life?