79. Look for commonalities to connect with someone instantly.
Data point of the week
We tend to like people who are similar us. The similarity can be anything: dress, race, values, personality traits, interests, or even a shared birthday.
Robert Cialdini, author of Influence: the psychology of persuasion, notes that this is because we use mental shortcuts to make snap judgements. It’s impossible to weigh all the information in every interaction and at every decision point … if we did we’d be in a constant state of analysis paralysis! So, we create formulas that allow us to make mental shortcuts. One of them goes something like this:
“I’m a decent, trustworthy person, therefore, if I meet someone like me, they must be decent and trustworthy too. Shortcut: like people who are like me.”
As an example, Cialdini cites a study demonstrating that people were twice as like to fill out a survey when the person asking them had a similar name to their own, such as Robert Greer receiving a request from Bob Gregor.
Reflection
Mental shortcuts can helpful, random (as above), or downright harmful. Think negative stereotypes and biases, which lump people into categories based on a single trait, while ignoring the rest of their humanity. We can’t avoid mental shortcuts, but we can evaluate and edit the formulas behind them so that they’re less harmful and more helpful.
And the mental shortcut “people like people who are like them” can be leveraged to jumpstart connection. Finding commonalities can ease awkwardness, provide a topic of conversation, and create an opportunity to bond over a shared experience, such as “Oh, you’re from Canada too? Where did you grow up?” Or, “You a dog-lover too? What kind of dogs do you have?” Or, “You were caught in that storm too? What a mess!”
One of the things I love about ProjectConnect, is that participants often start out with a group of people they assume they have little in common with, but very quickly find shared experiences that bring them together. In participants’ words:
“I learned that people who look different aren’t necessarily different. I thought it was awesome.”
—Jack
“You get to know people who are in the same situation as you. You build community and feel part of a lovely group.”
—Braulio
Connection Skill & Action Step: Look for Commonalities
No matter how different the person you’re talking too, or how diverse the group, you’re sure to have shared experiences if you look for them. To use commonalities to build connection, try to:
Notice shared experiences and similarities when they come up in conversation, and express excitement over them.
Think about what you might have in common with the person you’re talking to. Ask questions to learn more about them and surface commonalities.
Introduce hunting for commonalities as a short group exercise, such as at the beginning of a meeting. In groups of 3-4, give people a few minutes to find something they all have in common (beyond the obvious … like that they all work at the same place).
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments. Just click "post comment," enter your name and click "post as guest"
Are there particular kinds of commonalities or shared experiences that you think make people feel more connected than others?
Have you ever felt close with someone—who on the surface was very different from you—because you found something you had in common?
