8. Ask for help
When you’re going through something difficult, you probably find it hard to ask for help. Most people do—but this has negative consequences at home and in the workplace.
What? Connection Factoid.
In his book Give and Take, organizational psychologist Adam Grant found that one of the biggest differences between high-performing and low-performing givers is their willingness to ask for help.
But not asking for help affects far more than performance, it impacts our well-being too. According to the National Institute of Health, “estimates suggest that only half of people with mental illnesses receive treatment.”
Half! And that’s in the U.S., where there’s less stigma and more resources than most other cultures.
There are many barriers to accessing support: financial and geographical inaccessibility, time pressure … and a deep discomfort with asking for help — especially in professional settings, where people worry it will make them look incompetent.
Our discomfort isn’t confined to mental health concerns. Sometimes practical help is even harder to ask for. Like when your car breaks down and you need a ride. Or when you’re recovering from surgery and can’t do everything for yourself. Or when all the everyday details, logistics, and demands of life become overwhelming.
We hesitate because we’re afraid of being a burden, or of putting someone in the awkward position of having to say no. Or even worse—that they’ll say yes and secretly resent us for it. Ugh.
In our individualistic culture there’s the idea that we should be independent. Needing is seen as a weakness—therefore having needs is cringe.
Men are especially penalized, while women are labeled “needy” as if it’s a bad thing. Either way, the message is clear: we’re supposed to be need-less … an impossible expectation.
There are a few exceptions: meal trains after a birth or death for example, but even these may end before the need for support does.
It often feels easier to ask for help from a family member than from a colleague—even though we spend about a third of our lives at work.
And, we’re now far more likely to relocate (away from family) and to remain single compared to just a few decades ago, leaving us with fewer people to rely on in times of need.
As built-in support networks shrink, we need to get more intentional about building employee connection and a supportive workplace culture.
Now What? Connection Practice: Normalize asking for help
Having needs = being human.
The question is, how do we create environments—at home and work—where asking for, giving, and receiving help become the norm? Here are a few ideas:
To Connect:
Change the narrative from “We should be independent” to “We’re a social, interdependent species. We need to rely on each other.” Shouldering your burdens alone is not a sign of strength. Asking for help is an act of courage and connection, not weakness.
While social change takes time, you can build micro-support systems right now. Think: rotating work bees or help days, skill swaps, childcare exchanges, or pooling resources among people you trust.
If you’re working on a project that’s overwhelming outside of your skillset, think about who might actually enjoy helping. Your ask may be someone else’s opportunity. The more you’re able to work within your strengths and interests and get support for other tasks, the happier and more effective you’ll be!
If you’re feeling stressed out or weighed down, reach out and talk it through with someone. It’s okay if it feels a little uncomfortable receiving—vs giving—support at first.
If something is affecting your mental and emotional well-being in an ongoing way, consider reaching out to a support group, coach, or therapist.
Note: If you’re worried about being a burden, try checking in about the other person’s bandwidth first.
To Facilitate Connection:
Share the research that asking for help improves performance.
At meetings, especially when assigning tasks, ask questions like:
“What are you stuck on?”
“What do you need help with?”
“Who on our team can help with that?”Role model asking for help yourself. Ask other people to weigh in when you’re trying to solve difficult problems, or to pitch in where you may have skill gaps. This signals that collaboration—not perfection—is the expectation.
What about you? Please share your responses in the comments.
Do you find it difficult to ask for help or support? What makes it easier or harder?
How would you describe your workplace culture when it comes to asking for help?
For a better image, check out this video.