9. Mirror. It's a secret superpower!
Have you ever been immersed in a great conversation and noticed that you and your conversational partner are in the exact same position? That’s mirroring—and it’s a powerful connection skill. So powerful, that it’s taught in sales, negotiation, and leadership training.
Mirroring involves reflecting another person’s body language by matching your own position, posture and tone to theirs. It happens naturally when two people have established rapport, but it can also be used intentionally to build trust, liking, and closeness.
Data point of the week
Scientists used functional MRIs to study what’s going on in the brain when we mirror. They found that listeners and speakers were “dynamically coupled:” a syncing up of brains, where both people continuously react and adapt to each other’s signals.
Mirroring is so powerful that it’s taught to salespeople to help them sell more products. In a Wall Street Journal study, retail salespeople were told to mirror the body language and speech of their customers. These salespeople sold more products—and their customers had a more positive opinion of the store—than salespeople who hadn’t mirrored.
Another study found that students who mirrored in a simulated negotiation were 5 times more likely to reach an agreement (67% vs. 12% of the time).
This matters in workplace conversations too—whether you’re collaborating, or addressing a conflict.
Connection Reflection
We usually think our minds run the show. We think, then act and respond.
I recently learned something (from The Extended Mind) that flipped this assumptions: Our bodies often react first, then pass this information on to the brain.
That’s how mirroring works.
We take on the posture or facial expression of another person
Our body generates what that feels like and then signals our brain
This helps us literally feel into the other person’s experience—creating understanding, empathy, and connection.
We often mirror other people unconsciously, particularly people we’re close to and spend a lot of time with. When my partner and I are out in public, we mirror so much that she purposely tries to de-synchronize so that we don't look like clones! 😂
It’s a little unsettling that mirroring can be used to manipulate. But the reality is, we’re more likely to agree with, trust, and collaborate with people we feel a connected to—whether that connection comes from mirroring, or from someone who smiles, listens well, and validates our concerns.
Bottom line, if you’re shopping for something big and don’t want your choice to be influenced, take a break for a coffee, or sleep on it, so you can assess the decision with a clear head—away from the influence of the other person.
Connection Practice: Mirror
To practice this skill, pay attention other to people’s body language in one-to-one interactions—at work or at home--and try to match your posture, energy level, and gestures with theirs.
Mirroring builds trust, liking, and closeness. If you’re skeptical, try noticing how you feel when you match body language, and when you deliberately de-synchronize.
Note: Mirroring will backfire if it’s obvious that you’re imitating the other person, as that is sure to feel weird and uncomfortable! Aim for “roughly similar,” rather than exact imitation.
Weekly Questions Please share your responses in the comments. We love hearing from you!
Have you ever been deep in a conversation with a friend or colleague and noticed that you’re in exactly the same position, using the same gestures?
Have you ever consciously mirrored someone to connect with them? If so, how did it go?