5. Ask Good Questions. It increases your likability.
Photo by Ana Municio
If you want people to like you and enjoy talking with you, you don't need to be witty, charming, or full of great stories. It's easier than that. Just ask better questions (and really listen to the responses). Great questions create great conversations—which are the foundation for connection. So, what makes for a great question?
What? (Connection Factoid)
Being curious and asking interesting questions is one of the most reliable ways to increase your likability and build connection. Why? Because most people’s favorite topic is themselves. In fact, according to this fMRI study, talking about yourself lights up the reward centers of your brain, especially when you have a good listener.
Asking people about themselves—and really listening to their responses—helps others enjoy the conversation and want to spend more time with you. The use of intentional questions—in a safe, supportive space—is one of the most powerful tools in ProjectConnect groups, helping participants make friends quickly.
So What?
Lots of people ask questions, but not necessarily ones that lead to greater connection.
So, what makes for a “good” question? Here are a few examples:
Conversation-sparkers. These questions help you get to know people you’ve just met or break you out of the routine with people you know well. They liven the conversation without being too personal or intrusive, and can be used one-on-one or in groups. These are enjoyable questions, which make people like you more and feel more connected. For example:
Instead of: “Where are you from?” try “What did you like most and least about the area you grew up?”
Instead of: “What do you do?” try “Do you have any passion projects you’re working on?” or “What do you like to do for fun?”
Instead of: “How’s it going?” try “What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?”
Follow-up questions. A simple follow-up question expresses interest and helps you dive deeper into a topic. But when you follow-up on something you talked about previously, it shows that you were paying attention (rare), that you remembered (rarer), and that you care (relationship glue). For example:
How did your (interview/medical appointment/vacation) go?
What happened with ….?
Feeling questions. These are questions that invite people to share their emotional lives and how they’re doing. They create vulnerability, which deepens relationships—but only if there’s already trust and safety. Not everyone wants to talk about their emotional lives, so respect the deflect. And asking a feeling question, but failing to truly listen or invalidating their response, can erode connection. Examples include:
How are you feeling about (that situation at work/your break-up/etc)?
How are you doing with …?
What has ______ been like for you?
Now What? Connection Practice: Ask good questions
Choose one of the above question categories you’d like to focus on this week. Next, identify a couple of specific times or situations you can practice asking questions, or people you can practice with. Use the questions above or make up your own.
This may be the easiest way to build relationships at work—and in your life.
Questions of the week. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
What do you wish people asked you about more often?
What’s a go-to question you like to ask other people?
Want some great conversation starters you can use with friends or co-workers? Try our conversation cafe menu—it might just be one of the best conversations you’ve had!