118. Become a Connection Chemist
Have you ever met someone and felt that immediate “chemistry” that happens when you click? It feels like magic … and it is. But as any chemist will tell you—that magic isn’t random. It’s a predictable reaction to mixing specific ingredients together. The same is true for connection.
The point is not to pull back the curtains, Wizard of Oz style, and reveal there is no magic. The point is that YOU can become the chemist and consistently create the conditions for connection—for yourself, your team, class, or community.
What? Connection Factoid
One study found that people who believe friendship happens based on luck were more lonely five years later. In contrast, believing that making friends happens as a result of effort led to less loneliness.
So What?
When people believe that connection is just chemistry and coincidence—something that either happens or doesn’t—there’s nothing to do but wait. And hope for a chance encounter where sparks will fly. But hope is not an effective strategy.
Believing connection is due to coincidental chemistry leads to passivity. You don’t know where or when it will happen. There’s no reason to DO anything but wait.
When you believe that you can affect the outcome, you’re more likely to put in the effort. Though, as mentioned in last week’s newsletter, putting effort into the wrong things can actually make you lonelier.
To become the chemist—we need to focus on two things:
The right “ingredients”— the core connection behaviors of sharing, caring, repairing.
And,The right “lab” conditions—that act as a catalyst (because people won't share, care, or repair in a toxic environment).
With the right behaviors and conditions, connection is the predictable result.
Even so, we “click” with some people more than others. This affinity usually has to do with having something in common. But that commonality can fall along almost any line. A shared sense of humor. A mutual love of nature. A common goal to learn guitar.
Consider the Ryan Meetup Group. Started by 3 Ryans, it’s grown to 40,000 members worldwide. They share one commonality only. The community is “strictly for people named Ryan—no "Bryans" allowed.” 😂
If a shared name has that much power to bring people together, imagine what you can do when you design for connection on purpose, in a shared workplace, campus, or community.
Now What? Connection Practice: Become a Connection Chemist
To Connect:
Start getting intentional (chemists don’t randomly throw ingredients together). Notice the “lab conditions” of your existing social activities. Are they conducive to connection? Look for opportunities to practice the core connection behaviors. Try sharing something real. Showing someone you care with a small act of kindness. Repairing a misunderstanding.
To Build Connection:
Don’t leave connection to chance. Use the 6 Conditions that Create Connection as your blueprint for events and activities. (Download for free here). This is how you start to build a culture of belonging. Or take it a step further and register for ProjectConnect Facilitator Certification. You’ll learn a repeatable, predictable system for helping people build meaningful relationships.
What about you? Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
When you think back to a connection that felt like instant chemistry, what do you think was actually happening?
Were the right conditions in place without you realizing it? Were you sharing and/or expressing caring more than usual?
You never know who you’ll click with!