12. Get Out of Your Head: quieting social awkwardness and anxiety
Social anxiety—or the more common experience of feeling awkward, self-conscious, or “in your head”—can make it hard to connect at work, with friends, and even in casual everyday interactions. Fortunately, there’s a simple shift that can help you feel more relaxed and connect more easily.
Data point of the week
When someone experiences social anxiety, they tend to turn their attention inward—toward self-perceived flaws, critical thoughts, and physical signs of anxiety. This heightened self-monitoring increases anxiety and undermines their capacity to function well in social situations, creating a self-perpetuating cycle.
However, research shows that when people—including people with Social Anxiety Disorder—are instructed to focus their attention on aspects of the external environment, they report less anxiety and fewer negative beliefs.
Reflection
Social anxiety—and the more common feelings of social awkwardness, discomfort, and self-doubt—can quietly sabotage our ability to connect, whether we want to speak up at a meeting, or make new friends.
Here’s what typically happens: We get hyper self-conscious, running a constant internal commentary about how we’re coming across, and usually imagining the worst. This level of self-focus consumes a huge amount of our attention, leaving fewer mental resources to notice, interpret and respond to social cues.
Photo by Mikhail Nilov
Put another way: when we are busy monitoring and critiquing our own social performance, we sabotage our ability to show up, be present, and connect. (Guilty. 🙋♀️ This basically sums up my teens and twenties.)
Our brains are designed to focus on one thing at a time. Yup, multi-tasking is mostly a myth … unless one task is so automatic it requires zero mental effort—like walking. But human interactions are too nuanced and changeable to be put on autopilot. They require our full attention.
If our attention is tied up in self-evaluation (“That sounded stupid!” “What do they think of me?” “Do I have lettuce in my teeth?”), there’s not a lot of bandwidth left for skilled interaction. Our diminished capacity to interact then reinforces our negative beliefs about our social abilities, which heightens our anxiety.
It’s a vicious cycle—and it often leads to avoiding speaking up, going out, and social situations that could have been opportunities to connect.
Fortunately, a simple mental shift can interrupt this cycle: getting out of your own head and choosing an external focus. This works because it leverages your brain’s inability to focus on two things at once, crowding out anxiety-producing thoughts. This makes it easier to connect, even when you feel nervous.
Connection Practice: Get out of your head
Before a meeting, event, or social gathering, take a moment to plan how to keep your attention out of your own head. The goal is simple: focus on anything other than your internal commentary
For example:
Prepare a question. Try something like, “What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?” Practice being present and really listening to their response.
Tune into your senses. Name 1-3 things you can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste.
Become a curious observer. Look around the room and pick out your favorite outfit, or guess what mood people are in based on their body language.
Put someone else at ease. Instead of focusing on your own discomfort, ask, “how can I help someone else feel comfortable?” Look for someone standing alone and make a comment and start a low-pressure conversation.
Gamify it. Set a mini-goal, such as say “Hi” to 5 people, or ask 2 questions. Count that as a win, regardless of how it feels.
Bring ProjectConnect to your organization, to create opportunities to meet people and build relationships in a safe, facilitated space.
Weekly questions. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
When have you pushed through the initial awkwardness and been glad you did?
Ever felt like this at a party? I have!
