97. Be interested. It will draw people to you.
Most of us want to be interesting, right? But we usually go about it backwards—by trying to think of interesting things to say. Dale Carnegie flipped this on its head and said,
“To be interesting, be interested.”
Good advice, but easier said than done. Here’s why it matters, and a few tips for putting it into practice.
Friendship Fact
A bunch of Harvard neuroscientists walked into a lab and … (drumroll for punchline🥁🥁🥁) … learned that people love to talk about themselves. 😂
A little anticlimactic perhaps, but get this: a series of brain imaging experiments showed that talking about ourselves triggers the exact same pleasure centers in the brain as food and money.
In fact, participants were willing to give up actual cash for the chance to talk about themselves.
The researchers report that 30-40% of daily conversation—and a staggering 80% of social media posts—focus on our own experiences. We’re all walking around desperate to be heard.
Reflection
Here's what this means for making friends: when you give someone your interest, you're giving them a hit of pure dopamine. You become the person they associate with feeling good.
Being curious, asking questions, and really listening are some of the simplest ways to build connections and friendships.
Maybe you’ve heard the quote, “It’s better to be interested than interesting.” Google attributes this to Jane Fonda (who knew?)! But decades before her, Dale Carnegie (an early writer on social intelligence) said, “To be interesting, be interested.”
Connection Practice: Be interested
Let’s be honest, staying interested and engaged isn't always easy. You’ve got multiple things competing for your attention, the topic may feel dull, or you may simply be tired.
Here are three practical ways to stay curious and show real interest:
Treat each conversation like a treasure hunt. Look for little gems that spark your interest and ask follow-up questions—about that (being mindful not to pull the other person off topic if they’re sharing something important to them). These simple responses work wonders:
“Wait, how did you get into that?” Or,
What was that like?”
Use listening as a mindfulness practice. When your mind wanders (and it will) gently bring your attention back to what the other person is saying. Try to stay fully present. Paraphrase what you heard to show you understand.
Seek out shared interests or experiences and dive deeper into these points of connection.
Questions of the week. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
Have you ever turned a boring conversation into an interesting one? If so, how?
When was the last time someone else's interest made you feel seen or valued?
Making eye contact is one way to show interest!