14. Vent and Validate ... it makes people feel hear
When you share a frustration with a coworker, boss, or friend, how do you want them to respond? Do you generally want to be: Heard? Helped? Or hugged? Of course it depends on the situation.
Most of us jump straight into problem-solving mode, but this can be a missed opportunity to connect.
Making people feel heard builds employee connection and friendship.
What? Connection Factoid
Research on employee connection and communication patterns in the workplace shows that when people don’t feel listened to, it leads to higher job dissatisfaction, burnout, and turnover.
One study delved into the specific behaviors that made employees feel heard vs. unheard. Feeling heard came down to three things: the listener being attentive, responding thoughtfully, and addressing the speaker’s needs.
There were also three behaviors that made employees feel unheard:
Shutting down the conversation—ending it abruptly or rejecting requests without explanation.
Being distracted.
Superficial listening—nodding along but failing to follow up on anything that was shared.
When these patterns are the norm, workplace connection and trust break down.
So What?
Sound familiar? We’ve probably all experienced this.
Two other common responses to sharing a frustration are:
Piling on—when the listener adds their own complaints. This can feel bonding at first, but often turns into a negativity snowball, leaving everyone more drained.
Jumping into fix-it mode—offering suggestions and advice. If you’re looking for advice, an outside perspective is great. If not, unsolicited advice can feel like you’re a problem to be solved, rather than a human to be understood.
This simple rule works well in most situations: validate first. When in doubt, ask, do you want to be heard, helped, or hugged?
Now what? Connection practice: Validate first
To Connect:
Validating is the simple act of letting someone know that their feelings make sense and are valid (okay). You don’t have to agree with them or have the perfect response, just reflect that you get what they’re saying and can empathize.
Validating helps people feel heard, which helps people process difficult feelings and shift gears. This is a key skill in the workplace and at home.
Here are a few examples of validating phrases—but make the language your own.
“That sounds really (aggravating, confusing, painful…)”
“Ugh, that must be SO (stressful, nerve-wracking, annoying…)”
“I hear you.”
“I totally get why you’re (frustrated, overwhelmed, hurt…) I would feel the same way in this situation.”
You can practice validating anytime someone expresses how they’re feeling, or you can try this simple exercise (people love this activity when I include it in connection-building workshops).
You can practice validating anytime someone shares a frustration or is talking about something emotional.
To Facilitate Connection (leaders & connection-builders)
Try the 10 minute “Vent and Validate” exercise at the start of a meeting, group, or class. The exercise provides a simple structure for practicing two core connection behaviors in the friendship formula: sharing (venting) and caring (validating). When ProjectConnect group participants practice this exercise in session 3, it brings them closer together and they love the opportunity to be heard.
The Vent and Validate Exercise
Dedicate about 10-minutes to this exercise. If the group is large, break people into smaller groups of 3-4.
Ask each person to choose something they’d like to vent about, that’s causing stress, frustration, or is taking up mental space.
Set parameters. For example, “Speak from your own experience (vs. calling other people out).” “Choose something that’s a 4 or 5 on a 1-10 stress scale,”—something real, but not overwhelming.
After one person vents, one or two people validate them. Try to refrain from offering advice or piling on.
This exercise provides an opportunity to get to know people more personally, build empathy, and practice listening and validation skills.
Note: You don’t need to agree with someone to acknowledge that their feelings are valid.
What about you? Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
How do you feel about venting? Healthy release or negative spiral? (You can vent about venting if you want!)
What’s a time you shared a complaint and really felt heard?