85. Reduce social anxiety or discomfort in 2 seconds
Friendship Fact
Studies like this one, show that talking to yourself in the third person—using your name rather than “I”—in stressful situations creates psychological distance, reduces emotional reactivity, and increases self-control.
Another series of studies looked at how third person self-talk functions in socially stressful situations (in this case, trying to make a good first impression and public speaking). They found that the group that avoided first-person pronouns performed better according to objective raters, showed less distress, and engaged in less “maladaptive post-event processing” (a.k.a. negative thought-spiraling). This was especially true for participants who experienced social anxiety.
The researchers concluded that talking to yourself in the third person creates self-distancing, which allows people to appraise stressors as a challenge rather than a threat. Small shifts in language can help people regulate how they think, feel, and respond in stressful social situations—even if they struggle with social anxiety.
Reflection
I love a strategy that’s free, takes a few seconds, and creates a positive shift in behavior! But it’s hard to remember in the moment (especially emotional moments) when it could help most. Like so many things, it’s all about practice. This is something I try, forget, remember again, and try again.
Social anxiety can be a big barrier to connection. It can cause you to avoid social situations altogether or make you feel stiff and self-conscious. But social anxiety isn’t the only circumstance where heightened emotions sabotage connection. This strategy can be used whenever emotions are running high.
I recently heard an interview with someone who shared that he tells himself, “The me is angry” anytime he’s in a conflict with his wife—and he credits this simple phrase with the health of his marriage!
“The me is angry.”
The language sounds weird (feel free to substitute your name for “the me”), but as long as you talk to yourself silently, what’s the harm in trying? You might even crack yourself up!
Similarly, the mindfulness practice of “noting” involves noticing and narrating your thoughts and emotions. This shifts your brain activity from the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex, which creates greater emotional distance and allows you to act more thoughtfully. To make this even more powerful, try using third person pronouns in your narration.
Friendship Practice: Talk to yourself in the third person
To try this out, talk to yourself in the third person anytime you’d like to put some space between you and your emotions. If you want to make this a habit, try narrating your thoughts and feelings periodically throughout the day, not just when you’re feeling stressed.
To use this skill to strengthen your relationships, try talking to yourself in the third person when you’re in conflict, feeling socially anxious, or have heightened emotions.
Instead of:
Experiencing your emotions with no narration at all (which is what most of us do)
Or narrating them in the first person, “I’m anxious/angry/stressed/overwhelmed”
Try this:
Narrate what you’re feeling in the third person: “[Jessica] is feeling anxious/angry/stressed/overwhelmed”
Weekly Question. Please share your responses in the comments.
How does your self-talk affect your mood? Your relationships? Your self-image?
Try some self-talk in the mirror before going out!
If you liked this, and want another strategy for social anxiety, check out this post. Of, if you’d rather have a friendship tip delivered to you inbox weekly, sign up for my newsletter!