95. Think small: The magic numbers of friendship
When it comes to friendship, more isn’t always better. Small groups and gatherings are more conducive to making friends than large ones … and there’s a limit to how many relationships we can sustain.
Friendship Fact
British anthropologist Robin Dunbar became famous (well, in certain circles) for defining a limit to the number of relationships humans can maintain. The magic number—150—is now known as “Dunbar’s number.”
Dunbar theorized that the size of the neocortex—the part of the brain associated with cognition and language—is linked to how much social complexity we can handle, which in turn dictates our social group size. His research discovered a remarkable consistency across human history in social group sizes hovering around 150.
This number breaks down into an inner circle of about 5 loved ones, a circle of 15 good friends, 50 casual friends, 150 meaningful contacts, and 500 acquaintances.
Reflection
Of course, there’s considerable individual variation within these numbers. For example, extroverts often have more overall connections, while introverts focus on a few deep friendships.
These averages may also be changing. Advances in technology (the phone, social media) have expanded how many people we’re able to stay in touch with in the “meaningful contacts” and “acquaintance” circles. At the same time, the General Social Survey found that the average number of close friends, or confidants, Americans have dwindled from three in 1985 to only two in 2004, with one in four people saying they have “no one to talk to.”
The number 5 not only defines Dunbar’s inner circle, it’s also the magic number for building relationships in a group. That’s why we recommend 4-6 as the ideal ProjProjectConnect group size.
You can think of this like diffusion. The more people in a group, the more spread out (and superficial) the interactions are, making the ties weaker … unless you break off into smaller groups to connect.
Here’s the math: If you have a group of 10 and meet for an hour, each person will have roughly 6 minutes of speaking time and 54 minutes of listening time. In general, people are more interested and engaged when they take an active part in the conversation (when they speak more) and have a lively exchange. When people only have a brief time to speak, they don’t have space for meaningful sharing.
So, if fewer people mean more talking time and greater depth, why not just have one-to-one conversations? There’s a magic that happens in small groups—multiple perspectives, experiences, and personalities contribute to the mix. Participants often feel less alone in whatever they’re going through—their experiences are normalized. They may also learn from each other, get support, and feel more connected.
Connection Practice: Think small
Here are a few ideas to the power of small to build connection. Ideally, look for social opportunities that meet regularly, so connection grows over time.
In your personal life:
Find ways to spend time with the same small group of people—like a gardening club, hiking group, or volunteer activity.
When hosting, ask yourself whether you’d rather have the intimacy of a small gathering or the energy of a larger party?
To build employee connection:
Form small committees (<6) or working groups that meet regularly to address specific issues.
Organize a weekly lunch group, such as one for new parents, or people in similar roles across the organization.
Hold a weekly meeting to discuss an article, topic, or case study.
To build student connection:
Encourage student organizations to spend a few minutes at the beginning of each meeting getting to know each other, such as by using question prompts or icebreaker activities.
Start your meetings with students with a short check-in in small groups.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from your!
When you think back on how you’ve made friends, what kinds of social opportunities did you find most conducive to making friends as an adult? Where they small or large?
“Small” is one of the 6 Conditions for Creating Connection.
If you’d like to see the other 5, you can download them here:
