It’s human nature to think other people are like us. We’re familiar with our own experiences, attitudes, and habits, and extrapolate outwards, assuming other people are the same. This can make us blind to differences … which can cause fractures in communication and connection.

Data point of the week
Back in the late 70s, researcher Lee Ross coined the term “false consensus effect,” after conducting a series of experiments that highlighted the tendency to see our own attitudes, beliefs, and behavior as being typical, while viewing alternative responses as outside the norm, or even as inappropriate.

Many studies have confirmed this cognitive bias, the most entertaining of which is one where the researchers asked students to wear a sandwich board around campus for 30 minutes with the word “repent” on it, and count how many people spoke to them.

Afterwards, study participants were asked to estimate the percentage of students that would agree to wear the sandwich board, and the percentage that would refuse. The results?

• The students who agreed to wear the sandwich board themselves thought that 62% of other students would also agree.

• The students who refused to wear the sandwich board thought that 67% of other students would also refuse.   

Reflection
We probably mistakenly believe other people are like us more often we realize. If you want to have that bias revealed (and your mind blown!), the next time you’re with a couple other people, listen to this audio clip and ask what people hear. When my partner played it for me, I heard one word, while she heard a completely different word. What?!! The word I heard is so clear, I assumed that the everyone heard the same thing.

It’s not like the optical illusion where you see 2 faces or vase, or even the black and blue vs. gold and white dress debate, because even knowing that roughly half the population hears something completely different than me, I still can’t hear the other word. I just have to accept that other people are having a completely different experience.  

This is of course a completely benign and trivial example. There have been other, more challenging, “Aha” moments when differences between myself and my partner have been unearthed (as in “Aha, you’re different than me! Weird! I thought my way was THE way.”)

For example, I’d never even thought about decision-making styles until my fast, decide-then-act style contrasted with my partners slow, research-and-deliberate style. My partner is afraid of making a bad decision while I can’t stand the limbo of indecision. It can be hard—for both of us—to respect these differences when we have a joint decision to make.

Assuming that people are the same as us—or that our perspectives are the norm—can be problematic. This often comes when communicating/interacting across difference. Typically, one group is dominant/privileged/has more power, and either implicitly or explicitly sets the norm, while the other group is forced to conform, adapt, or learn to communicate in a style that is foreign to them. This is true across cultures, genders, race, neurodiversity, etc.

The burden of code-switching isn’t shared equally. We all want to be able to be ourselves. And to be seen and valued for who we are. Expecting people to be “like us” blinds us to these differences.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Appreciate differences

Ignoring differences—consciously or unconsciously—undermines true connection. You can challenge the false consensus effect by seeking out experiences that broaden your perspective. This could be anything from trying to understand a friend’s different communication style, to learning about a different culture or belief system.

Perhaps even harder than recognizing differences, is to value and appreciate them. There may be places where differences cause conflict, friction, or discomfort. Are there times that you center your way of being/communicating/doing things, and expect others to adapt? If you belong to a more dominant group in this interaction (for example, white, male, neurotypical), can you recognize that the other person’s perspective/way of being may be equally valid and valuable, and change your behaviors/style to meet them rather than vice versa?

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.

How can you challenge the (usually hidden) bias of thinking “other people are like me”?

Have you had any “aha moments” related to surfacing differences?