64. How to (and how NOT to) talk about wildly opposing beliefs
Data point of the week
It’s well-established fact that factual information doesn’t convince people to change their minds. If you want to read some entertaining-yet-disturbing studies demonstrating this, check out this New Yorker article, Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds.
In a James Clear article with the same title, he points out that our beliefs shape our reality and form our identity. Therefore, when our beliefs are challenged it feels less like we’re discussing an idea and more like a threat to who we are.
Beliefs also dictate our belonging to specific social groups. Democrat or Republican, vaxxer or anti-vaxxer, even keto or low-fat! Changing our minds may provoke judgment or exclusion from our community. Who wants to change their worldview if it means losing their people? Clear calls these beliefs “factually false, but socially accurate” and points out that when forced to choose between the two, people often select friends and family over facts.
And then there’s the influence of exposure. “The number of people who believe an idea is directly proportional to the number of times it has been repeated during the last year—even if the idea is false.” The more airtime fake news gets—or the more a bad idea is publicly attacked—the more traction it gets. According to Clear, “Silence is death for any idea.”
Reflection
Ironically, these articles will no doubt prove their point (that facts don’t change minds) repeatedly when people (myself included) ignore the facts presented within them by continuing to use facts, data, and research to try to persuade people to change their minds!!!
If head on debate is ineffective, what are the alternatives? Silence may be the death of an idea in the public sphere, as Clear says, but what about in an interpersonal situation when someone shares an idea that violates your values, attacks or demeans your identity (or other people’s), or seems outright dangerous? Have you had those conversations at Thanksgiving?! In those situations, silence may feel complicit … yet arguing is likely to reinforce sides and alienate the other person.
I remember a long-ago incident, when my BFF and I were teens and were being driven to a job by an older white man that we’d just met (long story involving poor teenage decisions, and also different times—the 80s). This man made a violent, racist comment. While I was still reeling, my friend vehemently said, “I definitely do not agree with that statement!”
There is no “right” way to address beliefs that you find reprehensible, or beliefs that you simply oppose. Safety should always come first. After that, here are a few approaches to try.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Engage in—or disengage from—difficult conversations
When someone expresses a belief that conflicts with your own it can be helpful to pause before launching into a knee-jerk response and consider whether or not you want to engage in conversation about it. What are your motives? Do you hope to change their mind? Understand their perspective? Voice your differing position? Here are a few ways to engage (or not) that help prevent the other person from doubling down on their belief.
Set a boundary, for example, “It seems like we have different opinions on this, and we’re unlikely to change each other’s minds. How about we talk about something else?”
Ask for more information to understand their perspective.
Paraphrase. Reflect your understanding of their belief or opinion so that they feel heard. This de-escalates emotions.
Use an “I statement” to express how you feel. For example, “I feel upset when you make comments about _____.”
Use a “we statement” to join with them. For example, “How do you think we can (get to mutually beneficial outcome)?”
Refer to a book or resource. For example, “I found ____ book to be really helpful in learning more about this and forming my thoughts.”
Reminder: In public conversation people are on the spot and need to save face. Some of the above approaches are more appropriate in private conversation than in a group. Also, give people time mull over new ideas on their own and gradually form a new opinion (having time to reflect in a non-threatening environment is what makes books more likely to change minds than conversation).
Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
Have you had any memorable Thanksgiving dinner debates?
Have you ever changed someone’s mind about a strongly held belief? If so, how?
