64. Engage in (or disengage from) difficult conversations
Thanksgiving—for many—is a time of bringing people together. People who may have wildly different political beliefs and social values. People whose personalities clash. People who have painful unresolved histories with each other. People who are just plain old difficult to be around.
(If you can't relate, that's fantastic! Enjoy your holidays! But also keep reading, because today's newsletter is relevant to difficult conversations in any setting).
If it feels hard to keep things civil, let alone enjoy each other's company, this one’s for you. First up … facts do not change people’s minds. Arguing your point is usually a waste of breath. (This can be safely broadened to say trying to change people generally backfires).
Data point of the week
It’s a well-established fact that factual information does NOT persuade people to change their minds. If you disagree, even after reading this sentence, you've basically just proven the point! 😂 (Sorry, couldn't resist)!
Check out this New Yorker article, Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds for some entertaining, yet disturbing, studies demonstrating this.
In a James Clear article with the same title, he points out that our beliefs shape our reality and form our identity. Therefore, when our beliefs are challenged it feels like a threat to who we are rather than a casual conversation about an idea.
Beliefs also dictate our belonging to specific social groups. Democrat or Republican, vaxxer or anti-vaxxer, even keto or low-fat! Changing our minds may provoke judgment or exclusion from our community. Who wants to change their worldview if it means losing your people? Clear calls these beliefs “factually false, but socially accurate” and points out that when forced to choose between the two, people often select friends and family over facts.
And then there’s the influence of exposure. “The number of people who believe an idea is directly proportional to the number of times it has been repeated during the last year—even if the idea is false.” The more airtime fake news gets—or the more a bad idea is publicly attacked—the more traction it gets. According to Clear, “Silence is death for any idea.”
Reflection
Okay, so head on challenges are ineffective, but silence kills ideas. If you want an idea to grow, share it publicly and widely. But what about when someone at the dinner table shares an idea that violates your values, attacks or demeans your identity (or other people’s), or seems outright dangerous? In those situations, silence may feel complicit … yet arguing is likely to alienate the other person and further entrench both parties in their own corners.
I remember a long-ago incident, when my high school BFF and I decided to join a traveling carnival (yes, that happened … long story involving poor teenage decisions, and a desperate need to make money the summer before college. A misadventure that fortunately only lasted 2 days)! We were in a truck with a few white men we’d just met, being driven to the next carnival location. The driver—our new boss—made a violent, racist comment. While I sat stunned, my friend vehemently said, “I definitely do not agree with that statement!”
There is no “right” way to address beliefs/actions that you find reprehensible, or simply oppose. Safety should always come first. After that, here are a few approaches you can try.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Engage in—or disengage from—difficult conversations
If you’re anticipating difficult conversations over the holidays—or in any group or gathering—it can be helpful to spend a little time in advance thinking through how you’d like to handle it.
Difficult conversations can come in the form of conflicting beliefs/values, or more personal trespasses like criticisms, judgments, etc.
Here are a few ways to engage—or disengage—around hot button topics:
Set some ground rules/agreements in advance. This helps establish psychological safety. Admittedly, it’s easier if you're the host, but you can talk with the host ahead of time, or, if appropriate, share your preferences. For example, you could ask people not to talk about politics/your pronouns/other topics likely to go off the rails.
Pause and take a breath before launching into a knee-jerk response. Think about whether you want to engage in this conversation. What are your motives? Do you hope to change the other person’s mind? Understand their perspective? Voice your differing position?
Set a boundary. “I’d really rather not talk about this. Thanks for understanding.”
Name your differences. “We clearly have really different perspectives on this. I feel confident you're not going to change my mind, and I'm probably not going to change yours, so do you want to talk about something else?”
Paraphrase/reflect/clarify. “So, what you’re saying is ______________?” This can help them feel heard and may (occasionally) lead them to modify their stance once they’ve heard it reflected back.
Ask for more information to understand their perspective … but only IF you actually want to understand their perspective.
Use an “I statement” to express how you feel. For example, “It’s really upsetting to me when you make comments about _____.”
Use a “we statement” to join with them. “I think we both care about (larger value).” Or, “We both want (larger goal/outcome).” For example, on the vaxxer/anti-vaxxer issue, you might say, “We both really care about health.”
Refer to a book or resource. For example, “I found ____ super-helpful in learning more about this topic … it changed how I saw things. Are you open to learning more about other perspectives?”
Reminder: In public conversation people are on the spot and need to save face. Some of these approaches may work better in a private conversation than in a group. Also, give people time mull over new ideas on their own and gradually form a new opinion (having time to reflect in a non-threatening environment is what makes books more likely to change minds than conversation).
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
What’s your most memorable dinner table debate?
Have you ever changed someone’s mind about a strongly held belief? If so, what happened? How did the conversation go?
