6. Ask for advice or a small favor ... and leverage the "Franklin Effect."

A lot of people have a hard time asking for help out of the fear that it will be inconvenient or burdensome to the other person. We often assume that people don't really want to help and may say no (eek, rejection!). Or worse, they’ll say yes out of obligation. However, the truth is that people *often* like to be helpful.

Data point of the week
In fact, asking for advice or a small favor can make people like you more.

This is called the Franklin Effect based on Benjamin Franklin turning a vocal opponent into a friend by asking to borrow a rare book from him. (This isn’t a sample of one … a number of more recent studies confirm the effect).

Reflection
Why would this be the case?

First, by responding to your request the other person can see themselves as helpful and generous. It also feels good to help others. Some of that positive association will transfer to you. You helped them feel good about themselves, therefore they feel good about you.

Second, by giving you advice or helping you out they are investing in you. That instantly shifts their perception of you to someone who is worthy of their time, energy, and help, which turns them into an ally and supporter.

Third, people do not like cognitive dissonance—the mental discomfort that happens when our beliefs and emotions are out of alignment with our behavior, or vice versa. We like to be consistent. Therefore, asking someone to behave as if they like you by offering advice or doing you a favor, can make them genuinely like you, and even turn a hater into a friend.

A note of caution: this strategy is best used in small doses. People enjoy being helpful, but if the balance of give and take becomes overly skewed in one direction for a long period of time, the giver can burn out. Have you had a friend who repeatedly asked for advice about the same situation, but never took it? Or asked for a lot of favors but seldom returned them? If so, it may be time to set boundaries.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Ask someone for advice or a small favor

• Choose someone you don’t know well—or even someone who’s been unfriendly to you—that you would like to have a better relationship with.

• What would be an appropriate ask? If it’s an advisor, mentor, professor, or expert, how can you tap into their knowledge? If it’s a peer, how might they be able to help you out in some small way?

• Ask.

• Notice their response. If they give you their advice, or do you a favor, notice how it changes your relationship.

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!

How do you feel about asking for favors?
How do you feel when someone asks you for a small favor or advice?

“Hey, could you do me a favor and comb my armpits?”