30. Set boundaries. Caring TOO much may be contributing to burnout.
Photo by stevanovicigor
A participant in a burnout prevention workshop I offered recently named “caring too much” as a major contributor to stress and burnout. I could relate. Early in my social work career I was working in an adolescent inpatient psychiatric hospital, and burned out in a big way, because I:
was exposed to intense trauma and suffering
cared deeply
and didn’t feel like I could make much of a difference within the constraints of that system
These three ingredients lead to what’s called compassion fatigue in the clinical field, or in more serious cases, vicarious traumatization.
Compassion fatigue isn’t limited to clinicians—it’s experienced by other helping professions and people in care-taking roles with family members. We may even experience compassion fatigue through the news cycle constantly exposing us to threats, violence, and fear.
One response is to stop caring, to numb ourselves to other people’s pain, to bad news, and to the emotional burden of “caring too much.”
Another option is to protect our capacity for caring.
Data point of the week
I was recently listening to an interview with Brené Brown on Armchair Expert, when she issued this mic drop, "The one thing we’ve found—looking through years of research—that compassionate people have in common, is that they have strong boundaries.”
😲
Reflection
We tend to think of compassionate people as bottomless wells of goodness. Brown’s discovery is liberating, because setting boundaries can bring up feelings of guilt, “I should be more generous,” and fear, “People will think I’m selfish.”
These feelings are not unfounded. There is very real pushback against women in particular setting boundaries. Societal ideals dictate that women should be all-giving, caring, and nurturing. Challenging that ideal by setting a boundary can expose us to criticism and judgement.
It feels incredibly helpful to me to reframe boundaries as an act of protecting and increasing compassion, rather than of emotional stinginess. Because every time I set a boundary, I feel like I’m not being nice.
But it makes total sense. Lack of boundaries can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and burnout. Not great for relationships! As Prentis Hemphill puts it, “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Good point. We need time take care of ourselves, replenish our emotional reserves … and have energy to focus on the things we care about.
According to Warren Buffet, "The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything." If we always say yes to other people’s wants and needs, we may shortchange our own goals, priorities, and values.
Are you experiencing exhaustion, imbalance, burnout, or resentment in any of your relationships? If so, it may be a signal that your boundaries have been overstretched or overstepped.
Take a few minutes to reflect on what is contributing to these feelings. Are there areas you can set a boundary? Of course, we don’t always have the privilege of saying no. It could put our jobs at risk. We may need to take care of an ill family member. When an outright no isn’t an option, is it possible to do less (hint: this might mean lowering your standards)? Ask for help? Let something go?
Boundary conversations can be uncomfortable. Brené Brown uses the mantra, “Choose discomfort over resentment." Try rehearsing what you want to say in advance.
If you get caught off-guard by a surprise ask, have a couple responses in your back pocket that will buy you a little time. For example:
Let me think about it and get back to you.
I want to give this the attention it deserves … let me look at what I have going on and let you know.
I’d be happy to make this a priority. Can you help me think about what to put on the back burner to make time for this?
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
How do you feel about setting boundaries?
Have you ever witnessed (or been on the receiving end of) someone setting a boundary in a way that you either disliked or admired??
