70. How the battle over your attention affects your relationships
Data point of the week
According to an article in Forbes, our minds are wandering for almost half (47%) of our waking hours.
A study by Microsoft Corp. found that people generally lose concentration after eight seconds, a full second less than the 9-second attention span of a goldfish!
Reflection
If you find yourself relating to Dory, the forgetful fish in Finding Nemo, you’re not alone. In case you’re wondering, Dory is not a goldfish, she’s a blue tang fish. And her 3-second memory span is Dory-specific, not species-specific. Might this little tidbit of information be the result of mind-wandering (and caving in to Googling as a form of distraction) in action? It *might.*
It seems that the constant bombardment of stimuli, interruptions, and attempts to multi-task have eroded our ability to focus. (BTW, if you’re interested in this topic, I highly recommend the book Stolen Focus by Johann Hari.)
Being able to focus is incredibly important—not only to getting things done—but also to our relationships. It may be stating the obvious to say that paying attention to people builds connection … yet being truly present with other people is a truly difficult skill! The wandering mind needs constant reining in. And our attention spans have adjusted to a high level of stimuli (nonstop action) to stay engaged. It’s hard for everyday conversation to compete.
Ignoring bids for connection has been shown to damage relationships. It’s clear when someone isn’t giving you their full attention. Even toddlers can pick up on it! And it can lead to reciprocal disengagement, because who wants to be vulnerable and share something real if the other person isn’t really there?
Giving someone your full attention is a generous—and increasingly rare—gift. It’s also a precondition for moving beyond the superficial.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Be present.
This week, see if you can practice the simple—but challenging—art of being present when you’re with other people. Notice when your mind wanders—or you get distracted—and bring your attention back to the present moment. Repeat this step over and over and over again.
Practicing being present with other people is essentially a mindfulness practice, without the meditation.
Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
How do you feel and react when you’re with someone who is fully present? How about with someone who is distracted or only partially present?
This kind of frenetic energy and inattention can hurt innocent bystanders!