71. Paraphrase: It's the secret to making people feel truly heard
Ever wonder why some conversations leave you feeling understood, while others are deeply frustrating? It usually boils down to whether or not you felt heard.
Data point of the week
The secret (but not-so-sexy-sounding) way to make someone feel heard is by paraphrasing.
In personal relationships: A study on the impact of paraphrasing asked participants to describe a recent social conflict. When the listener paraphrased what they’d said, participants reported feeling better, were able to process their emotions more effectively, and it helped them resolve the conflict.
In the workplace:
Gallup has studied nearly 3 million workers and identified 12 factors that lead to job satisfaction, engagement, and peak performance. Of the 12, at least half are interpersonal, but one stands out related to this week’s topic: when employees feel HEARD, they’re more engaged.
“At work, my opinions seem to count”
Reflection
When I share a struggle, worry, or conflict, 9 times out of 10, all I want is to feel heard and understood. I want a chance to talk it through, get it out of my head and have a conversation about it. I want empathy and validation.
What I don’t want is for the other person to try to solve the problem. Yet this is the go-to response for most people. For me, ideas, suggestions, and advice feel like a bucket of cold water on the conversation. As in, “I thought we were connecting, but I guess we’re doing this instead.”
In his book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg notes that there are different kinds of conversations. To connect, you need to synchronize with the other person, so that you’re both having the same kind of conversation. In other words, you need figure out what kind of conversation you’re in, then match it.
If it’s an emotional conversation, paraphrasing and empathizing match the tone, and bring you into synchrony (and deeper connection).
If it’s a practical or logistical conversation, paraphrasing, problem-solving, and brainstorming solutions match the tone.
We offer advice out of a desire to be helpful … but it may be disconnecting. It may be helpful to pause and ask yourself, what kind of conversation am I in?
Connection Skill & Action Step: Paraphrase
Paraphrasing falls into the category of simple, but not easy. It works like magic when the other person is expressing emotion and wants to be heard and understood. For example, they’re struggling with something, weighing a difficult decision, or are in a conflict (with you or someone else).
Paraphrasing involves reflecting the essence of what the other person is saying. It captures what is important—while leaving out details. To do it well:
Listen attentively to what the other person is saying.
Identify what’s really important. Think of this like panning for gold—let most of what’s said fall away and focus on the nuggets. What are they upset about? Why? How are they feeling about it?
Reflect it back to them. You’re communicating your understanding of what they’ve said in cliff notes form. Keep it concise. Duhigg calls this “looping for understanding.” It’s surprisingly powerful because it makes people feel heard … a rarity!
Use tentative language. You’re not telling them—you’re checking in to see if you’ve understood. “So what you’re saying is, you’re [feeling] because [problem or issue]?" Or, “It sounds like you’re…?” This gives the other person the opportunity to add onto or adjust what they were saying.
Paraphrasing can feel awkward at first, like trying on therapy-speak. But what feels strange coming out of your mouth, the other person may not even notice. Play around with language that feels comfortable to you and fits your communication style. A good paraphrase helps the person clarify their thoughts, feel understood, and de-escalates emotions.
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments … we love hearing from you!
Is there someone in your life who makes you feel truly heard? Have you ever noticed what they’re doing to make you feel this way?
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