16. Celebrate your friends’ successes
If you’re like me, you spend most of your time in heads-down mode, focused on what’s in front of you, and getting things done. The days blur together, and just like that, another year has gone by!
The end of the year is a good time to pause, zoom out, and reflect on how it’s going. In particular, what went well? What were the highlights? What progress did you make?
Taking time to celebrate helps mark those highlights, replenish energy, and fuel the motivation to keep going. And when you reflect and celebrate other people’s wins, it brings you closer together.
Data point of the week
Positive psychologist Martin Seligman has identified have four possible responses to someone sharing good news.
Active constructive, e.g. “That’s fantastic! I’m so happy for you! You must be so thrilled” (expressing genuine enthusiasm).
Passive constructive, e.g. “That’s great, congratulations…” (in a flat or distracted tone).
Passive destructive, e.g. “Mmm Hmm…” (while staring at your phone, ignoring them).
Active destructive, e.g. “What?! How did you manage to pull that off?!” (minimizing or criticizing their achievement).
A body of evidence shows that the way we respond to “bids for attention” has an enormous impact on the health and resilience of our relationships. One study found that how we respond to “positive event discussions”—or the sharing of good news—was more predictive of the future strength of the relationship than how we respond to “negative event” discussions.
As usual, most of the research is on couples, but surely friends and co-workers need to be celebrated just as much as romantic partners do!
Painting by Priti Gokani
Reflection
The term fair weather friend implies that it's easy to be with friends in good times—but that’s not always the case. A friend's good fortune can stir up self-comparison, jealousy, and insecurity. I’ve been there, wanting to be happy for a friend, but instead feeling envious, comparing my own lack of accomplishments with my friend’s successes. It makes me feel emotionally stingy, small, and icky.
Three things help me avoid this trap.
The awareness that expressing enthusiasm for other people’s wins helps strengthen relationships. Just knowing this helps me make the conscious choice to make a fuss and celebrate, regardless of pangs of jealousy.
The idea that jealousy is a signal to ourselves that we want and care about something we don't currently have. In this light, the jealousy-inducing friend can serve as an inspiration and role model for where we want to go. Thanks to Rachel Rodgers’ podcast for this idea.
The reminder that good fortune and success aren’t finite. It’s not a zero-sum game. There’s enough for everyone!
Celebrating successes is one of the connection practices built into the ProjectConnect program (for building positive relationships quickly) because it immediately makes people feel closer to each other.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Celebrate other people’s successes
To practice this connection skill, amp up your enthusiasm when other people share their accomplishments, wins, or good fortune with you.
If you notice an internal reaction (“Why not me?” “I want that!”) set it aside to attend to later. Practice responding with emotional generosity and excitement. It doesn’t have to be over the top, (which may feel fake), but celebrate with them.
And the end of the year is a great time to actively invite friends, family, and co-workers to share their highlights and wins with you, and celebrate them!
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.
How do you feel when a friend, family member, or co-worker shares a piece of good news? Are you happy for them, or do you feel a surge of envy, or both at once?
Can you remember a time when someone was super-excited for you? How did it make you feel?
