17. Be reliable. Flakiness is for pies, not people.

Being reliable may not sound sexy, but it’s essential to the long-term health of a friendship.

Data point of the week
Friendship expert, Shasta Nelson, names consistency as one of the three requirements of a healthy relationship (the other two are vulnerability and positivity). Consistency means reliably showing up, spending time together, and building trust.

Reflection
Trust is foundational to solid, healthy relationships. Being inconsistent, unreliable, or flaky erodes trust. It’s great running into someone who seems happy to see you, but when they say, “we should get together” for the fifth time, but never respond to your texts to set up a plan, their friendliness starts to feel hollow. The same is true if they schedule something then cancel at the last minute.

Sure, there can be legitimate reasons for canceling or changing plans, and sometimes we forget to get back to people. However, the health of a relationship rests on the overall pattern of our interactions—the sum of our experiences. As with financial investments, small deposits compound and grow into a strong asset over time, while small, repeated withdrawals compound into debt that can become difficult to recover from.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Be reliable. Follow through.
This practice involves being a reliable friend and following through on your commitments. That doesn’t mean saying yes to everything! Check your calendar—and your gut—before saying yes. If you’re overstretched or uninterested, communicate that (gently) up front. Check out this post on setting boundaries if it feels hard to say no.

Commitments can be changed or canceled for a good reason and with clear communication … but if this happens regularly it can erode security in the relationship. The truth is, being reliable sometimes means showing up even when you don’t feel like it in the moment, because it’s important to your friend/family member/co-worker. Showing up consistently is how you become someone people can count on. And that builds trust and is an investment in the long-term strength of your relationship.

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!

Have you had flaky friends? How did it affect your connection?
What does it mean to you to have a friend you can count on?