93. Speak up/Call in: Addressing behaviors that destroy connection

Unfortunately, connection-eroding (or destroying) behaviors are commonplace. The news is rife with extreme examples: violence, war, hate crimes, divisive vitriol, the latest person who’s been canceled, etc.

While the news forms a backdrop of unease, it’s all too common to experience—or witness— disconnecting behaviors in our day-to-day lives too: micro and macro-aggressions, bullying, incivility, harassment, etc.

My posts generally focus on how to build stronger connection, but if we’re to achieve a more connected culture, we also need to actively address connection-destroying behaviors. 

Data point of the week

According to stopbullying.gov, 19% of students ages 12-18 experienced bullying nationwide. Although bullying is usually talked about in the context of schools, it doesn’t end there. A Harvard Business Review article estimates that 30% of Americans are bullied at work.

Research shows that bystanders—or those who witness bullying—can make a huge difference when they intervene and speak up on behalf of the person being targeted.

Reflection

It can be hard to speak up when someone is being generally offensive or is specifically mistreating another person, particularly if that person is in a position of power. Most of us haven’t been taught how to use our voices and assert ourselves in these situations, and intervening violates social norms. It’s uncomfortable.

Staying silent is easier but allows harmful behaviors to continue unchecked. Of course, it’s important to assess the potential consequences—to yourself and the other person—of speaking out. Are there ways to safely address the issue?  

On the opposite end of the spectrum from silence is “calling out,” policing, or publicly criticizing other people’s behavior. While the behavior being “called out” may be problematic, the act of “calling out” usually magnifies the problem it claims to address and destroys connection in the process. Calling out often causes shame and defensiveness and leads to either escalation or withdrawal rather than learning and growth.

“Calling in” invites people to engage in conversation and change behavior by learning the impact of their actions.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Speak up, be an active ally, call in.
When you witness connection-destroying behaviors, such as: racist “jokes,” someone being criticized, silenced, belittled, etc., try to practice courage (yes, even in the face of anxiety) and speak up. Here are a few examples:

• Offensive jokes or comments:

  • Hey, that joke/comment is belittling/demeaning/dehumanizing to people of color/trans people/women. Was that your intention?

  • We’re trying to create a safe, inclusive culture here … can you see how that joke/comment runs counter to that?
    

• Specific person being targeted:

  • I don’t feel comfortable with the way you’re speaking to (name).

  • Check-in privately with the person being treated poorly and ask how they are experiencing it and what you can do to support them.

Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.

Have you ever spoken up or intervened on behalf of someone else who was being targeted or treated poorly? How did it go?

Has anyone ever stepped in and spoken up for you when you were being treated poorly? What difference did this make to you?