87. People hate small talk, so why do we keep engaging in it?
Most people will tell you they hate mingling, networking, and small talk. Almost everyone prefers deeper conversations to shallow, superficial ones. So why do we ignore our preferences and continue to engage in small talk?!
Data point of the week
That’s exactly the question Dr. Nicholas Epley sought to answer in a series of 12 experiments with over 1,800 participants. The researchers broke participants into pairs—with strangers—and had them discuss either deep or shallow topics.
Before each conversation they asked participants to predict “how awkward they thought the conversation would be, how connected they thought they would feel to their conversation partner and how much they would enjoy the conversation.”
Afterward, they asked participants to rate “how awkward the conversations actually were, how connected they actually felt and how much enjoyment they actually experienced.”
Here’s what they found:
Participants rated deep conversations as more enjoyable and leading to a stronger sense of connection. Takeaway: we like deep conversations!!
Participants slightly overestimated how awkward shallow conversations would feel, and dramatically overestimated how awkward deeper conversations would feel. Takeaway: we’re bad at predicting how we’ll feel in a given situation!
Participants believed that their conversation partners would be uncomfortable with—and disinterested in—deeper conversation. Takeaway: we’re bad at predicting what other people like and want, and how they’ll feel in a given situation!
Participants assumed that the conversation would be less awkward and more pleasant if they kept it light … but this proved untrue.
Reflection
In summary, this study revealed that we get stuck in shallow conversations even though both parties would prefer to have deeper conversations, would find them more enjoyable, and would ultimately feel more connected … because both parties falsely assume the other person isn’t interested, or wants to keep it light!
While false assumptions play a role in inhibiting us from deeper conversations, there’s more to it than that. Small talk is a strong social norm, and it’s hard to break social norms. Small talk is what’s expected. It’s what we fall back on when no structure is provided to guide the conversation deeper.
And a lot of social situations are structureless. Most people think that if they organize an event that brings people together, connection will just happen. Nope. Introverts in particular hate unstructured social situations … you know, where you walk into a room and have to figure out where to sit and who to talk to (when everyone is already in huddled little clusters). Eek! That more or less describes every work holiday party and department get-together I’ve ever attended, as well as many other social events.
The only way (besides not attending) to avoid the social awkwardness was to find a buddy to go with and stick to them like glue! That strategy makes the event bearable, but means you only connect with the people you already have a connection with.
Providing a structure makes connecting easy, by giving people something to focus on, do, and talk about. In the ProjectConnect program, question prompts and activities provide structure that facilitate deeper conversation and connection. No one needs to struggle with how to make conversation. The structure also gives the group permission to go deeper—it creates a social norm within the group of meaningful talk, rather than small talk.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Provide Structure
The next time you’re hosting an event, activity, or get-together—at work or at home—try providing some structure. Here are a few ideas:
Consider assigning people to groups or tables instead of letting people self-select (there are pros and cons to both, so don’t be afraid to experiment and mix it up).
Provide conversation prompts at tables. If the group doesn’t know each other well, aim for midway between light and deep.
Plan an activity, such as “bring a photo” or “bring something you made yourself,” to share with the group.
Structure can even be helpful one on one. Think about when you’re trying to get to know a new friend. Doing an activity together—from going to a museum to axe-throwing—can take the pressure off of making conversation.
Structure is one of the 6 Essential Strategies for Creating Connection. If you want to go the DIY route to building stronger connection in your organization, you can download the 6 Essential Strategies worksheet for building student connection HERE and for building employee connection HERE and check out the other 5 strategies!
If you’d prefer to implement a ready-made, proven program for building relationships quickly (and skipping the small talk) check out ProjectConnect.
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments (because it helps other people find this blog)
How do you feel about events that involve unstructured mingling, networking, or small talk?
Do you have any hacks for encouraging deeper conversations?
An activity or central focus makes socializing easy.