86. Why you (probably) need more touch
Data point of the week
We are hardwired for physical touch, and it plays a huge role in connection. Touch has been shown to:
Boost the immune system
Lower blood pressure
Release oxytocin, known as the “feel-good hormone” and the “bonding hormone”
Decrease levels of stress hormones such as cortisol
Trigger the release of the same kind of opiates as painkilling drugs
Help premature babies gain weight when rubbed lightly from head to foot
Reduce depression and irritability in people with dementia
Reflection
Regular physical touch is essential to health and wellbeing … yet we’re living in a touch-deprived world (at least in the U.S.). And the pandemic decreased touch even further. Remember this?
When I’ve traveled in other (non-western) parts of the world, I’ve been struck by how common it is to see public displays of platonic affection. Here, public affection seems to be reserved for couples (no doubt homophobia plays a role in the taboo on same gender touching).
But even straight couples in the U.S. touch each other less than they do in other countries—at least that was true in the ‘60s. Psychologist Sidney Jourard conducted a field study to count the number of times couples touched each other while sitting in coffee shops. Touch included hand-holding, back-stroking, hair-caressing or knee-patting. He found that couples in San Juan PR touched each other an average of 180 times per hour, compared to 110 times in Paris, 2 times in Gainesville, FL, and not once in London.
I would guess that in the 50+ years since that study, touch has declined overall. There is heightened awareness about unwanted touch and the importance of consent—which is crucial to preventing sexual violence. Yet we all need safe, healthy, touch. Children in particular thrive on touch, and many school settings are prohibiting it altogether out of fear of allegations of inappropriate behavior.
It’s a touchy subject (sorry … it was too hard to resist). How do we reduce the risk of unwanted touch without restricting healthy, affirming touch?
Photo Credit: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
Connection Skill & Action Step: Increase Your TQ (Touch Quotient)
Take a moment to think about the quantity and quality of touch you have in your life. What kinds of touch do you want more of? Less of? If you would like to increase your TQ, here are a few ideas:
Snuggle with pets—while not the same as human touch, petting animals does lower blood pressure and reduce stress.
If you have young children in your life, play with them! Young children are naturally physical and will climb all over you if you let them!
If you have a partner, count the number of times you touch during an evening at home (or out). Can you double it?
If you can afford it, treat yourself to a massage.
Notice how often you and your friends touch when you get together. Do you hug? Touch each other’s arms, knees, etc.? See if you can increase touch with your friends. If you have a particularly physically affectionate friend, enlist them as a role model or mentor. Notice how they use touch and practice doing the same.
Please note: If you’re worried your touch may be unwanted, ask first.
Also, physical affection—like all social skills—can be learned with practice. As someone who grew up in a non-touchy family, it took me awhile to get comfortable hugging people. It’s not that I didn’t like hugs, it just felt awkward and uncomfortable (you know those clunky, “to hug or not to hug” moments?) It’s all about increasing your awkward tolerance!
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments.
Do you agree that we’re a touch-deprived society? If so, why do you think that is, and what do you think can be done to remedy it?
Do you have any awkward huggers in your life? What’s your approach to hugging?
