115. Avoid these 3 conversation killers (and what to ask instead).

Ever notice how some questions spark amazing conversations, while others fall flat? Today’s post shares 3 common questions that can kill conversation, and what to ask instead. Oh, and you’ll learn a new word!

Friendship Fact:
Harvard researcher Alison Wood Brooks, coined a new term for an annoying behavior we’ve all experienced: “Boomerasking.”

This is when someone asks a question, but quickly skips over your response to answer it themselves. Boomeraskers *think* they're being good conversation partners by starting with a question, but those on the receiving end find boomeraskers insincere, less likable, and more annoying than people who simply talk about themselves. Yikes.

Boom! Conversation over.

Reflection
It’s not just habits (like boomerasking) that kill conversations, sometimes it the questions you ask. Here are my top 3 questions NOT to ask, and what to ask instead.

And listen, we’ve all been guilty of asking these questions (myself included). No judgment here. But these simple swaps lead to deeper, richer conversations.

And great friendships start with great conversations.

Connection Practice: Avoid these 3 common conversation-starters

1. What's new?

Where it goes wrong. This question puts people on the spot. Like they need to come up with something new, different, and exciting to hold the interest of the question asker.

When I’m asked this, it sends me into a slight panic. I rack my brain for something newsworthy to report, come up empty, and feel like my life is boring!

This question sets people up to feel like if they don’t come up with something interesting, they’ll disappoint.

The best questions make people feel like you’re interested in them, not that they need to entertain you.

What to ask instead:

• “How have you been since I saw you last?” This helps you catch up (the intention behind “what’s new”) without the pressure.

• “Got anything coming up that you're looking forward to?”

• “What have you been thinking about lately?” We may not have new, exciting events to report on, but we all have thoughts.

Hey, we all say things we wish we could take back.

2. Tell me about yourself.

Why it flops. Yes, open-ended questions can help generate conversation, but this question too broad—like asking someone to summarize their entire life.

This question makes me feel like a deer in the headlights. What does the other person want to know? What’s worth sharing?

It’s too amorphous—there’s no guidance about what to talk about.

Good conversations need direction and structure. Tell them what you want to hear about.

What to ask instead:

• “Tell me about the place you grew up.”

• “What’s your family like?”

• “How did you end up living here/working here/going to school here?”
   

3. What do you do?

Why it backfires. We all know “do” refers to your job. This question can feel devaluing to people who are unemployed, retired, parenting full time, or don’t work for other reasons.

And for those who do work? Many are just doing it to pay their bills, not because they’re passionate about it. A recent Gallup poll showed that half of American workers are looking for new jobs. Asking “What do you do?” may unintentionally touch a sore spot.

This question can also imply that your work is (or should be) a major part of your identity.

Instead, ask more broadly about what people care about.

What to ask instead

• “What does a day-in-the-life-of (their name) look like?”

• “What do you like to do for fun?”

• “If money and obligations weren’t a factor, how would you spend your time?” 

Weekly question: Please respond in the comments—I’m dying to know!!!

What question(s) make you SQUIRM?

Want more good questions to ask? Check out the Ask Good Questions post—or download the Conversation Café menu, great appetizer through dessert questions.