31. Croissant, don’t bagel (it’s more inclusive).
Being left out hurts. Not metaphorically—literally.
What?
Your brain registers social exclusion the same way as physical pain. These shared neural pathways lead to some surprising side effects:
People who are more sensitive to one type of pain are also more sensitive to the other. If rejection hits you hard, a stubbed toe probably does too.
Stranger still, what eases one kind of pain can help ease the other. For example, research shows that social support reduces physical pain, and in one study, Tylenol reduced social pain. 😮
If social pain hurts like an injury, there are more walking wounded than you might guess. In a 2018 Cigna survey of 20,000 American adults, nearly half (47%) said they sometimes or always feel left out.
So What?
Lots of things can trigger that left out feeling. Social media, which heightens our awareness of what other people are doing without us—certainly doesn’t help.
But there’s one in-person behavior that makes people feel left out, and most of us don't even notice we're doing it.
Let’s talk about the bagel vs. the croissant. Both have delicious, carb-rich merits as breakfast foods, but when it comes to socializing, one is a clear winner.
When you’re at a gathering, do you tend to stand and chat in a closed circle (bagel), or in a semi-circle (croissant), that leaves room for newcomers to join?
Networking expert Robbie Samuels uses this metaphor to show how easily we can include, or exclude, others, without meaning to.
Illustration by Mikiko.art
As an introvert, I hate events that require unstructured mingling. How awkward to walk into a room and see a bunch of bagels! How uncomfortable to try to break through the bagel barrier!! How mortifying to hover by the appetizers, looking for an opportunity to join in. Ugh.
Just thinking about it spikes my social anxiety. I tend to skip these kinds of events altogether, or take a buddy (there’s safety in numbers).
But, a small amount of intentional effort can create a warm, welcoming, croissant-like atmosphere.
Now what? Connection Practice: Croissant, Don’t Bagel
The next time you’re at a networking event, party, or social gathering, notice how you’re standing. Leave an opening in your circle so people can comfortably join you. If you see someone standing alone, invite them in.
If you're the one organizing, don't leave inclusion to chance. Start by asking: who might not feel welcome in this space? Then design for them:
Name the croissant rule at the start. Or assign a greeter to welcome and introduce people as they arrive.
Arrange the physical space so small, open groups form naturally.
Include a light structure, such as a theme topic, or fun conversation prompts scattered around the room.
This is the same principle behind ProjectConnect. When you create the right structure and norms, connection follows.
What about you? Please share your responses in the comments. We love hearing from you!
What’s one “bagel” and one “croissant” that stand out in your organization or community? A closed circle that feels hard to break into and a welcoming group that makes it easy to join?
Ouch—bageled!