30. Set boundaries—to be more compassionate.
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Do you have a relationship that feels lopsided — where you're consistently giving more than you're getting back?
Left unchecked, that kind of imbalance fuels resentment, exhaustion, and eventually burnout.
And, if you’re anything like me, that comes with a big heaping of guilt and self-judgement. “I should be more generous” “I’m a bad daughter, friend, coworker.” That’s why hearing this message was such a relief.
What? Connection Factoid.
In an interview with Brené Brown on Armchair Expert, she issued this mic drop,
"The one thing we’ve found—looking through years of research—that compassionate people have in common, is that they have strong boundaries.”
😲
So what?
That’s counterintuitive. We often think of compassionate people as bottomless wells of kindness—and boundaries as selfish or stingy. But Brown’s research shows that setting limits isn’t the opposite of caring, it makes caring sustainable.
Still, it can be hard to break through social conditioning. There can be real social costs—especially for women—who are expected to be nurturing, and above all else, nice. But there are also costs to giving more than we have or want to.
If you need to set a boundary, reframe it as an act of compassion. You’re giving yourself the time and space to replenish your emotional reserves, so that you can continue to care.
As Prentis Hemphill puts it, “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
Now What? Connection Practice: Reflect on your boundaries … then set some
Think of a relationship that feels lopsided—or behavior that has crossed a line for you. What, specifically, is contributing to these feelings? What boundary might help?
We don't always have the privilege of an outright no — sometimes we have to meet work and family obligations. Even so, we may be able to do less (yes, even if it means lowering your standards), ask for help, or let something go.
Boundary conversations can be uncomfortable. Brené Brown uses the mantra, “Choose discomfort over resentment."
It can be helpful to clarify—and even rehearse—what you want to say in advance. The most important thing to communicate is the desired behavior … the Do or Don’t, but it can also be helpful to give context as to why something isn’t working. Try some variation of this formula.
Could you _____, because _____
Could you _____, instead of ______, because _____
For example, “Could you text and let us know when you plan to visit, because when you drop by, we don’t always have time to stop what we’re doing.”
And it’s useful to keep a couple ready responses in your back pocket in case you get caught off guard by a surprise ask, have a couple responses in your back pocket that will buy you a little time. For example:
Let me think about it and get back to you.
I want to give this the attention it deserves … let me look at what I have going on and let you know.
I’d be happy to make this a priority. Can you help me think about what to put on the back burner to make time for this?
What about you?
What’s a boundary you’re proud you set—and what changed because of it?
Or what’s one you’d like to set?