77. This simple attitude shift makes you more likable

Data point of the week
Research shows that our expectations of how others feel about us becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we expect people not to like us, then they are less likely to, and vice versa. When study subjects were given false information that a new acquaintance either liked or disliked them, it led to them actually being liked or disliked by the new acquaintance in a subsequent interaction.

One study identified interpersonal warmth as the key mediator between our expectations and other people's reactions to us. Their hypothesis—which was confirmed in two separate experiments—was that if people expect to be accepted, they will behave warmly, which in turn will lead other people to accept them; if they expect to be rejected, they will behave coldly, which will lead to less acceptance.

And if you expect aggression, you might be more aggressive.

In one of the experiments, before having a face-to-face interaction with a stranger, participants were given a handwritten note from the other person admitting that they were often anxious about whether other people liked them. For subjects who initially had low expectations of acceptance, receiving this note increased their warmth and they were more likely to be liked. Receiving the note did not change the behavior or likability of subjects who already had high expectations of acceptance.

Reflection
It makes sense that when we expect rejection, we self-protect by being more distant. That pretty much sums up my social interactions in my 20s. I was often described as “aloof” or “reserved” … but it would have been more accurate to say I was shy and insecure! Had I been aware of this research (that mostly didn’t exist at the time) and expected to be liked—or recognized that most other people were anxious too—I would have behaved like a much friendlier person!

The truth is that we can't read minds. We never truly know how people feel about us, and so we guess. And our guesses often have a negative bias.

If we’re making up how people feel about us, why not tell a story that positively impacts behavior and outcomes? What would happen if you adopted the attitude “liked until proven disliked” rather than the reverse?

Connection Skill & Action Step: Expect People to Like You
In the absence of concrete information, assume that people like and respect you, and act accordingly. If this is too much of a stretch, you can apply the findings of the above study and—before entering into an anxiety-provoking interaction—remind yourself that the other people are probably nervous too.

In the era of curated social media posts, it can be harder than ever to remember that we’re all human, with fears an insecurities. When we actively remind ourselves of that—and focus on putting other people at ease and making them feel liked—we’ll behave much more warmly than if we’re focused on whether or not they like us.

Expecting a positive reaction can also help relax nerves in performance situations like a job interview, presentation, or public speaking. Try to imagine being warmly received rather than anticipating being judged.

Questions. Please share your responses in the comments. Just click "post comment," enter your name and click "post as guest."

How do you think your expectations of how people feel about you impact how you interact with them (positively and negatively)?