77. Expect to be liked ... and you'll be more likable!

One of the biggest obstacles to making friends—and enjoying social occasions—is what’s going on between our ears. We fear the other person—or people—won’t like us, that we’ll say the wrong thing, or make a bad impression. It turns out that those fears can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Data point of the week
Research shows that if we expect people not to like us, then they are less likely to, and vice versa. When study subjects were given false information that a new acquaintance either liked or disliked them, it led to them actually BE liked or disliked by the new acquaintance in a subsequent interaction.

Another study identified interpersonal warmth as the key mediator between our expectations and other people's reactions to us. Their hypothesis was that if people expect to be accepted, they’ll behave warmly, which leads to other people accepting them. If they expect to be rejected, they’ll behave coldly, which leads to other people distancing themselves.

If you expect aggression, you might behave more aggressively.

In one of the experiments, before having a face-to-face interaction with a stranger, participants were given a handwritten note from the other person admitting that they were often anxious about whether other people liked them. For subjects who initially had low expectations of acceptance, receiving this note increased their warmth and they were more likely to be liked. Receiving the note didn’t change the behavior or likability of subjects who already expected to be accepted.

Reflection
It makes sense that when we expect rejection, we self-protect by being more distant. That pretty much sums up my social interactions in my 20s. I was often described as “aloof” or “reserved” … but it would have been more accurate to say I was shy and insecure! What would have happened if I expected to be liked—or if I acknowledged that most other people are walking around feeling anxious too? I probably would have been much warmer and friendlier … and made deeper friendships.

We can't read minds, or ever truly know how people feel about us … so we guess. And our guesses often have a negative bias.

If we’re making up how people feel about us, why not tell a story that impacts us positively? What would happen if you adopted the attitude “liked until proven disliked” rather than the reverse?

Connection Skill & Action Step: Expect People to Like You
In the absence of concrete information, assume that people like and respect you, and act accordingly.

If that feels like too much of a stretch, you can apply the study’s findings and—before entering an anxiety-provoking interaction—remind yourself that the other people are probably nervous too.

In the era of curated social media posts, it can be harder than ever to remember that we’re all human, with fears and insecurities. When we actively remind ourselves of that—instead of wondering whether or not other people like us—we’ll behave much more warmly and focus on putting them at ease and making them feel liked.

Expecting a positive reaction can also help relax nerves in performance situations like a job interview, presentation, or public speaking. Try to imagine being warmly received rather than anticipating being judged.

Questions. Please share your responses in the comments. I love hearing from you!

What would happen if you expected everyone you meet to like you? What would it be like?

How could you not reciprocate this kind of warmth?