Friendship Tip #79: Find commonalities to connect instantly.
Ever felt an instant connection with someone who shares your birthday, your love of peanut M&Ms, or even your name? It’s not a coincidence, it’s psychology, and you can use it to connect quickly.
Data point of the week
We tend to like people who are similar us. The similarity can be anything: race, religion, values, personality traits, interests, or even a shared name or birthday.
Robert Cialdini, author of Influence: the psychology of persuasion, says this is because we use mental shortcuts to make snap judgements. It’s impossible to weigh all the information in every interaction and at every decision point. If we did we’d be in a constant state of analysis paralysis! So, we create formulas that allow us to make mental shortcuts. One of them goes something like this:
“I’m a decent, trustworthy person, therefore, if I meet someone who’s like me, they must be decent and trustworthy too.” Shortcut: like people who are like me.
As an example, Cialdini cites a study demonstrating that people were twice as like to fill out a survey when the person asking them had a similar name to their own, such as Robert Greer receiving a request from Bob Gregor.
The more unlikely the commonality, the more meaning that’s placed on it. For example, it’s no big deal to meet someone from your hometown when you’re in the same state. But if you’re in a foreign country and realize you’re from the same town, it’s worthy of reveling at and bonding over!
Reflection
Mental shortcuts can helpful, completely random, or downright harmful. (Think negative stereotypes, which lump people into categories based on a single trait, while ignoring the rest of their humanity). It’s impossible to avoid mental shortcuts, but we can pause to evaluate whether they’re helpful, and if not, make edits.
The mental shortcut “people like people who are like them” can be leveraged to jumpstart connection.
Finding commonalities eases awkwardness, instantly gives you something to talk about, and creates an opportunity to bond over a shared experience, such as, “You a dog-lover too? What kind of dogs do you have?” Or, “You lost electricity in that storm too? How long was it out?”
Finding something we share in common gives us something to relate to and connect with.
One of the things I love about ProjectConnect, is that participants often start out with a group of people they assume they have little in common with, but very quickly find shared experiences that bring them together.
“I learned that people who look different aren’t necessarily different. I thought it was awesome. ”
Connection Skill & Action Step: Find Commonalities
No matter how different the person you’re talking to, or how diverse the group, you’re sure to have shared experiences if you look for them. To use commonalities to build connection, try to:
Look for shared experiences and similarities when they come up in conversation. Express excitement over them.
Ask questions to learn more about the person you’re talking to and bring commonalities to the surface.
Try a “Things in Common Hunt” as an icebreaker, such as at the beginning of a meeting. In groups of 3-4, give people a few minutes to find something they all have in common (beyond the obvious stuff, like they all work at the same place).
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments. I love hearing from you!
Have you ever bonded with someone over something surprising you found you had in common?
What shared interest/experience/identity would you most like to find other people to connect with about?
