26. Give a Great Compliment
Giving compliments lifts the mood of the giver and receiver and improves well-being, yet we don’t do it enough. Why?
Data point of the week
A study cited in the Harvard Business Review found that people hesitate to give compliments because they underestimate the impact and overestimate the awkwardness.
Participants were asked to guess how another person would feel after receiving a compliment. The same participants were then asked to give a compliment to another person. The researchers then assessed how the compliment recipient felt compared to how participants had anticipated they would feel. In their words:
“We consistently found that people underestimated how good their compliment would make the recipient feel. Compliment-givers tend to believe the other person won’t enjoy their interaction as much as they actually do; in fact, they often believe that their exchange will probably make the person a little uncomfortable. Yet, consistently, receiving a compliment brightens people’s day much more than anticipated, leaving them feeling better, and less uncomfortable, than givers expect.”
Another experiment found that “focusing on the warmth, sincerity, and friendliness” of their compliment—rather than on perfect delivery—increases people’s willingness to give compliments.
Reflection
When you give someone a great compliment, you give them a happiness boost, which in turn makes you feel good, and helps strengthen your relationship. We all like to be seen in a positive light and we tend to like the people who see us that way!
So, what sets a great compliment apart? Sure, everyone likes to hear that their haircut looks great and they’re wearing fantastic shoes, but if you want your compliment to make a more lasting impact, try stretching beyond appearances and generalities (like “great job”). Get specific about what you like, admire, or respect about the recipient’s personal qualities or skills.
There are a handful of compliments that I still remember years later. One was given to me by a colleague, who commented that I was a highly skilled facilitator. This was particularly meaningful at the time because I was feeling insecure in the role (the meetings felt a lot like herding cats, and I wasn’t sure how effective my leadership was). Her compliment gave me a much-needed boost of confidence.
Activity by Rainbow Sky Creations
Connection Skill & Action Step: Give great compliments
To practice giving great compliments, think about what your compliment recipient might like to hear. Get specific about what you like, admire, or respect about the compliment recipient’s personal qualities or skills.
What sets them apart or makes them stand out, at least in a particular context? What are their unique contributions?
What do you most like, appreciate ,or enjoy about this person?
Is there an area they’ve devoted a lot of effort to and may crave recognition for? Is there a skill they’ve improved recently, or something they’ve made progress in?
If you want, you can gamify compliment-giving. For example:
Pick a day to compliment everyone who crosses your path.
Compliment a stranger, a friend, and a family member each day for 5 days.
Practice using “compliment jars” for members of your group/team/class/family. Make a jar with a person’s name on it, have pieces of paper and a pen handy for people to write compliments throughout the week and add to the jar. If you’re worried about unequal distribution of compliments (which may make people feel less connected) you can draw names, or try having a group/team/class jar rather than individual jars.
Get our Appreciation Stationery and turn compliment-giving into an event or regular practice.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
When is the last time you gave—or received—a great compliment? What was it?
What do you think are the most important ingredients of a great compliment?
