25. Don’t Ghost Your Friends.
I usually steer away from DON’Ts. It’s easier to focus on what we CAN do to build connection and it cultivates a more positive mindset. But today I’m making an exception because ghosting sucks. (Ghosting = cutting someone off with no communication as to why).
Data point of the week
According to a study by Pew Research Center, 29% of adults have been ghosted, but this rises to 42% in the 18- to 29-year-old age group.
% of U.S. adults who’ve been ghosted:
The thing with being ghosted is that it leaves room for all kinds of speculation, which generally doesn’t lead to a good head space! As humans, we like things to make sense, to explain and create meaning from our experiences.
As this Forbes article puts it, “The human brain prefers to know an outcome one way or another to take the edge off … Its disdain for uncertainty causes it to make up all sorts of untested stories hundreds of times a day because uncertainty equals danger.”
In fact, we are better at adapting bad news than ambiguous news or uncertainty. For example, people who live with job insecurity have more depression and worse physical health then people who actually lose their jobs. The same is true for people who receive a serious medical diagnosis vs. those who have symptoms but don’t know what’s wrong.
Reflection
Being ghosted by a friend is the worst. The longer and deeper the friendship, the more damage it does to trust and connection. Unfortunately, I speak from experience. If this has happened to you, I feel you.
I can also verify that yes, the brain does like to make up hundreds of stories to try to explain why 🤪! In the absence of real information, and no hope of getting it, I finally decided to settle on a story that worked for me about why my friend had ghosted me.
Sometimes we do need to break up with friends who are no longer good for us (or never were). And yes, difficult conversations are difficult. It takes guts to be willing to go through the discomfort.
But letting your friend know why you’re breaking up with them is respectful to them, and it will make you respect yourself more too. Everything we do shapes our opinion of ourselves:
Acting in ways you don’t respect erodes self-worth (and do you honestly respect someone who takes the easy way out by ghosting?)
The more you do the hard things that need to be done, the more you’ll like and respect yourself.
Sharing why we’re breaking up—or setting boundaries—allows for understanding, growth, and clean closure.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Don’t Ghost Your Friends. Have the hard conversation.
If you have a friendship that is floundering, take some time to reflect on what’s not working for you. What do you need? Is it worth putting in the effort to mend the friendship? If so, it may be time to sit down for a hard conversation about what’s working and what isn’t. You may want to set some boundaries.
Ideally, we’d communicate with our friends along the way, when things come up, rather than letting resentments build until the relationship is beyond repair.
But, if your friendship has gone past the point of no return, and it’s time to break up, think about what you want to communicate to your friend about why you’re making this choice. How can you express it clearly, yet as gently as possible? It may be helpful to write your thoughts down and practice what you’d like to say in advance—or even refer to what you’ve written in your conversation with your friend.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
Has a friend ever ghosted you? What impact did it have on you?
Have you ever ghosted a friend? If so, how do you feel about it, and would you do anything differently now?
