37. Apologize well (and avoid these common mistakes)
We all mess up sometimes. Yes, I know, it’s extremely rare for me too 😉 but when it does happen, we need to be able to apologize and repair if we want to maintain the health of the relationship. Apologies are not all created equal though. They can strengthen or destroy a relationship. Let’s explore the good, the bad, and the ugly apologies, and what sets them apart.
Note: this post refers to significant apologies, not the, “oops, sorry” type of apologies.
Data point of the week
In her article, The Psychology of Offering an Apology, Karina Schumann states,
“Research on conflict management suggests that an apology is one of the most powerful tools that transgressors can use to resolve an offense, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of the victim. Among other benefits, apologies help victims feel validated, improve victims’ evaluations of their transgressors, decrease victims’ aggression toward their transgressors, and increase victims’ empathy and willingness to forgive their transgressors.”
In other words, a good apology is exactly what’s needed to heal rifts. However, she goes on to say that despite that,
“…transgressors often choose to offer a perfunctory apology, withhold an apology, or respond defensively to the victim.”
Schumann, proposes three reasons for this:
Low concern for the relationship
Threat to the transgressor’s self-image
The perception that the apology won’t make a difference
Reflection
In my experience, the first and third reasons are rarely a factor. I can’t remember many “transgressions” with people I don’t care about. It seems weird—but true—that we’re most likely to offend, hurt, and show the worst sides of ourselves to the people we’re closest to. That rules out #1. And I can’t claim to think an apology won’t matter, ruling out #3.
Which leaves me to reckon (uncomfortably) with #2. Somehow admitting wrongdoing feels like an attack on my self-identity—an admission that I’m not the person I want to be. It’s hard to eat humble pie and admit I’m wrong.
This was true even when I was a kid. When I was 5 or so I got into a battle of wills with my dad over the word “please.” I have no idea how it started. Maybe I was embarrassed that I needed to be reminded in the first place? In any case, I took a completely arbitrary stand that I wouldn’t say “please” … and found myself unable to back down. For a year. Maybe more. I was stuck in a rut of not wanting to publicly acknowledge I was wrong.
As an adult, things are usually a little more complicated. Sometimes I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but nonetheless caused hurt that I need to take responsibility for. Getting over the self-image threat to be able to give a truly satisfying apology is still a work in progress.
Schumann highlights two strategies that minimize this threat and help people offer less defensive and more comprehensive apologies. One was to complete a values affirmation exercise, which served to protect a positive self-image. The second was a growth mindset intervention that helped people see personality as changeable and view their mistake as an opportunity for growth rather than a negative reflection on their character.
Action Step: Apologize well
We can all benefit for learning how to apologize well. It should be noted that the meaning and function of apologies differ from culture to culture and these tips are based on American culture.
Acknowledge the offense/injury/trespass. This involves naming what you did, describing the impact it had on the other person, and taking responsibility for it.
Express remorse for the impact your behavior had.
Make amends. Commit to repairing the damage you’ve caused. This could include rebuilding trust, taking care of any practical impacts (such as repairing an item you broke or repaying money you borrowed), and/or working on improving your relationship.
Puppy eyes may help too.
Optional: Provide an explanation for your actions. Sometimes the other person wants to understand the thinking, motivation, or “why” behind your actions, but this is a slippery slope! Be careful not to use explanations as a means to justify, make excuses, or relieve guilt, which undermine the effectiveness of the apology.
Tip: Don’t use your apology as an opportunity to beat yourself up (by over-apologizing and sharing hurt and anguish at hurting them). This pushes the person you’re apologizing to into having to reassure and take care of YOU, which defeats the point.
Caveat: Speaking of over-apologizing … women apologize 25% more than men, at an average of 10 times a day. If you’re a woman, trans, person of color, or have another minoritized identity, it can be a valuable exercise to train yourself out of verbal habits that undermine authority, confidence, and the power of your message. FYI, there’s an app (of course!) that removes qualifiers like “just” and “sorry” from your emails.
Apology Examples:
Bad: “I’m sorry you’re upset.” This rejects responsibility and only expresses regret for the outcome, not the action.
Better: “I’m sorry I upset you.” This acknowledges responsibility and impact but is vague and may feel dismissive.
Best: “I’m really sorry I (name your behavior). I totally get why you’re (name their emotional response and any other consequences to your behavior). Next time I will (name what you’ve learned and will do differently next time and/or how you will repair the damage you’ve caused).
Questions: Please share your responses in the comments. We love hearing from you!
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a bad apology? What didn’t work, and how did you feel about it?
Have you ever received an effective apology, that helped rebuild trust and connection? What worked about it?