A lot of factors contribute to loneliness and disconnection. One is that we’re afraid of having hard conversations, so instead we let unresolved conflicts, hurts, and missteps fester, causing friendships to fizzle … and sometimes even die.

Data point of the week
A study of over 2,000 adults found that those who intentionally resolved daily conflicts had significantly less stress and fewer negative emotions compared to those who avoided arguments or left them unresolved. The researchers suggest that “resolution may be crucial in emotional downregulation.”

Conflict avoidance can lead to festering feelings and relationship ruptures. If we don’t attend to and repair these ruptures, the relationship is likely to become more distant, or end.

In the Surgeon General’s advisory report on loneliness, he cites a 2022 study that found that “when people were asked how close they felt to others emotionally, only 39% of adults in the U.S. said that they felt very connected to others.”

6 out of 10 American adults don’t feel very connected to others.

Reflection
Not all relationships are worth repairing. There are times when it’s healthy to let a relationship go. I have a friend who refers to “the great purge of ‘95” in reference to going through a major friendship housecleaning. If you a have “friends” who treat you poorly, or make you feel bad about yourself, it may be time to set limits or end the relationship.

But you may have relationships you’ve let fall into disrepair that are worth saving. Are there people you care about that you’ve become distant with because of things left unsaid? Or because of a conflict that’s unresolved?

I get it, conflict is uncomfortable. Difficult conversations are, well … difficult. But learning how to have hard conversations helps us have deeper connection in our lives.

Connection Skill & Action Step: Rebuild and Repair
Relationships (like cars) require regular attention and maintenance. There may be minor dings and dents to attend to, or more major damage. Maybe there’s a difficult conversation that you’ve been avoiding, and it becomes the elephant in the room, making interactions forced and uncomfortable.

If it’s a relationship you want to maintain, consider investing some time and energy into repairing.

If you’ve upset someone, consider making a genuine apology and invite the other person to share how your actions affected them.

If someone has hurt or upset you, or their behavior is negatively affecting you in some way, experiment with these 3 approaches to reduce defensiveness so that you can repair more effectively.

Use “I statements” to express the impact of their actions. Use the formula “When you (specific, unexaggerated behavior) I feel (emotion).” For example, “When you didn’t show up to our coffee date, I was hurt and disappointed.”
You may want to ask them to explain their actions, for example, “Can you help me understand what happened?”
And if you want, you can share how you’d like them to handle a situation in the future. “I’d really appreciate it if you would text or call to let me know you can’t make it.”
Start with, “the story I’m making up in my head is ….” For example, “When you didn’t show up for our coffee date, the story I made up in my head was that you didn’t care about our friendship.” This approach comes from Brené Brown.
Say, “I think we have a disconnect.” This uses judgement-free language that focuses on the issue (disconnect), rather than the individual. You can then work together to figure out how to resolve the disconnect, for example, “So what can we do to prevent this from happening in the future?” This approach comes from Ann Latham.

Using the language in these three approaches helps difficult conversations go better. But they may still feel uncomfortable and that’s okay! You can do hard, uncomfortable things! It’s worth it.

Questions. Please share your responses in the comments. We love hearing from you!

How important do you think “repairing” is to feeling connected?

Which of the three skills in the friendship formula (sharing, caring, and repairing) are you best and worst at?

89. Repair. Learn to have hard conversations.

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