74. What to do when you want other people to change
Data point of the week
On her podcast episode, 3 Things You Need to Accept About Other People, Mel Robbins cites research on “myside bias” … which is pretty what it sounds like. We have a strong bias toward our own opinions and perspectives. New information is filtered through the “myside” lens, and we cherry-pick what reinforces our existing beliefs and discard what doesn’t. That’s why it’s so hard to change people’s minds.
In fact, according to the research, when we lecture someone (preach, teach, push, persuade, convince, cajole, etc.), it results in the other person changing their behavior 3% of the time.
3%!!!
Whereas when someone feels like the behavior change is their idea, they’re successful 37% of the time. Still not great odds, but a more than 10X likelihood of change!
Reflection
This makes complete sense to me. I DO NOT like being told what to do. It’s one of things that appealed to me about entrepreneurship—no boss!
The data gets a little harder to relate to when I want to change someone else’s behavior 😂!
For me this comes up almost exclusively in my relationship with my partner … but the data—and the guidance not to try to change other people—is just as relevant work, friend, and family relationships.
It’s hard to resist trying to change my partner when it’s SO obvious (to me) that I have the solution! That my way is better! Or that she would be happier/healthier/etc. if she just changed fill-in-the-blank behavior! It’s hard to resist asserting my side, trying to convince her to change, even when—after almost two decades of using this approach—it very obviously doesn’t work! In fact, it’s led to my partner calling me the b-word (bossy) more than once!
So, if you can’t change other people, what are the options?
Connection Skill & Action Step: Don’t try to change other people
Trying to change other people by lecturing or telling is not only ineffective, it also can damage relationships. It can convey, “I don’t like/value/accept you as you are” or even, “there’s something wrong with you.” This erodes the trust and respect that is essential to healthy relationships.
So, what do we do if we’re a supervisor, manager, or parent, trying to coach behavior change? Or when a friend or partner’s behavior has a negative impact on us?
Different approaches are effective in different situations.
Ask vs. tell. This is especially effective when the other person doesn’t realize their behavior is having a negative impact, and when you’re asking for a small changes. For example, “Can you please (let me know when you’re running late) because (it helps me adjust the plan accordingly). Adding the “because...” explains why it’s important to you and makes people more likely to follow through.
Learn their point of view. How do they see the behavior? If they recognize it as problematic, then you can explore their ideas for addressing the issue and ask how you can support them in making changes. Imagine this kind of conversation in a performance review rather than simply identifying where performance is lacking. If the person doesn’t see the identified behavior as problematic, then:
Set expectations and/or boundaries. While you can’t force another person to change, you can clearly define the values and behavioral expectations of your workplace, school, college, or community. For example, “We expect _______ and we don’t tolerate _______.” In interpersonal relationships, we can set boundaries around a specific behavior or topic, such as, “I know you’re really frustrated with (situation they’ve been venting about), but you’ve been talking about it for a couple months now, and it doesn’t seem like things have changed. I don’t think I can help you with this.”
Separate the behavior and person. When you’re are having a conversation about behavior change, make sure your language conveys that it’s the behavior—not the person—that’s the problem.
Accept. There are times when we need to accept people for who they are and recognize that we all have strengths, limitations, and quirks, no matter how frustrating they can be! Try asking yourself, is this a situation where the other person’s behavior truly needs to be addressed, or do I need to accept that other people have different priorities and ways of doing things?
Questions. Please share your responses in the comments. Just click "post comment," enter your name and click "post as guest."
Do you agree or disagree with the idea that you can’t change other people? What do you think is the most effective approach when you really want someone to change? How often do you use that approach?
How do you feel when someone is trying to change you?
