65. Give support that’s supportive (and doesn't suck you dry)

Data point of the week
In a study titled, The balance of giving versus receiving social support and all-cause mortality in a US national sample, the researchers found that:

“Participants who were relatively balanced in the support they gave compared to what they received had a lower risk of all-cause mortality than those who either disproportionately received support from others (e.g., received more hours of support than they gave each month) or disproportionately gave support to others (e.g., gave many more hours of support a month than they received).”

Reflection
Giving and receiving are equally important. However, we have more control over giving support than receiving it … and when we offer support people are more likely to be supportive in return. The advice to “give what you want to receive” and “be the kind of friend you want to have” makes sense. What we put out comes back, though it can be hard to be generous when we’re feeling down or lacking emotional resources.

But, as this study points out, there is such a thing as over-giving and it can be harmful to your health!

How can you tell what level of giving is healthy? It can be helpful to think about the overall balance of giving and receiving in your relationships, but for me the telltale sign that I’m giving too much is resentment. If I have an immediate reaction to an ask—and/or feel hyper-protective of my time—it’s a signal that I may need to set a boundary or re-balance the relationship.  

That doesn’t mean giving always has to feel good. Sometimes friends, family, and co-workers need help when we’re already stretched thin. Sometimes helping isn’t convenient or fun, but it’s important to show up for the people we care about. Do you want to help? Is it a relationship you value? Would you want them to show up for you?

Photo by Neil Thomas

Connection Skill & Action Step: Offer specific, practical help and support
Some ways of offering help are more helpful than others. When someone is going through a crisis or loss, we often ask, “How can I help?” or “Let me know if I can do something to help.”

This is well-intentioned, but it’s unlikely the recipient will take you up on such a broad, vague offer. If they are in the thick of a crisis, it may be hard to think through what they need. And this offer leaves the burden of making the ask up to them, which many people are uncomfortable with.

A more helpful approach is to make a specific offer, like, “Do you want me to take your kids for a couple hours to give you some time?” Or “You mentioned feeling overwhelmed by the yard. I’d be happy to rake your leaves for you if that’s helpful.” Or, “What are the top things you need to get done? Maybe I can help with one of them.”

If you have a friend, co-worker, or family member who’s struggling, is there practical support that you can (and want to) offer?

Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
In your experience, when does it feel good to give? When does it feel bad to give?

Offer a ride!