101. Be Intentional. The antidote to friendship dissatisfaction.
How satisfied are you with the quality of the relationships in your life?
Data point of the week
The most consistent finding from the 85-year Harvard study is that positive relationships are the most significant predictor of overall happiness, life satisfaction, and wellbeing … oh, and they also make you live longer!
Unfortunately, most Americans (3 out of 4) are dissatisfied with the quality of their friendships and “yearn for deeper relationships” according to the 2013 State of Friendship in America study.
Reflection
The research is clear: the quality of our relationships is more important than anything else to our health and happiness. It would make sense then to make friendships a top priority—to be thoughtful, intentional, and proactive about them. What could be more important? Instead, we often take an active role in designing other aspects of our life (jobs, partners, where we live), while leaving our friendships to chance.
For example:
We’re taught to expect that friendships should unfold naturally and spontaneously (through magical chemistry?) rather than requiring intentional effort and planning.
We often prioritize “getting things done” (work/chores/etc.) over spending time with friends. Working hard and being busy is culturally celebrated … hanging out with your buds, not so much!
We often fall into friendships based on who we see most often (proximity and exposure) or shared history (old friends) rather than intentionally curating our friendships and who we want to spend with.
One step to increasing our friendship satisfaction is to turn these three things on their head, and:
Recognize that friendships benefit from being intentional, and embracing structure. That’s why I love the idea of “arranged friendships” that Ari Honarvar introduces in this article. It’s also why I created ProjectConnect, so that instead of hoping friendships “just happen,” people can join a small group to meet people and make friends in an intentional way.
Prioritize friendship and make time for it.
Think about who we want to spend time with.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Be intentional
If you’d like to be more intentional in your friendships, here are some ideas:
Set aside some time to reflect on the people who are currently in your life. Taking the Friendship Self-Assessment will help clarify your thoughts.
Are there people in your social circle that you’d like to spend more time with, or develop a deeper relationship with?
Are there people in your social circle that you’d like to limit your time with or set some boundaries with?
Can you appreciate your friends based on their specific strengths and roles, rather than wanting every friend to meet all your friendship needs? For example, reach out to the supportive friend when you’re struggling, and the always-up-for-something friend when you want a companion to do something with. Author Laura Tremaine suggests that we need a wide variety of friends and outlines 10 different types.
Imagine a perfect friend date, and then invite a friend to do it with you. (This exercise was created by Ari Honarvar, who makes the point that we are far more intentional about planning romantic dates than dates with friends).
Recognize that making friends doesn’t “just happen,” and identify one small action step that you can take to make a new friend or deepen an existing relationship. What might happen if you repeated this action daily or weekly?
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.
Have you ever been really intentional about turning an acquaintance—or someone you just met—into a friend? If so, what did you do it and how did it go?
