100. Conduct a friendship audit
You may have heard the Jim Rohn quote, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Who are you spending time with, and how are they influencing you?
We often fall into friendships, and fall into habits about whom we spend our time with … but as you’ll see, our health and happiness may depend on making more conscious choices.
Data point of the week
When I first heard about the “network phenomena” discovered in the Framingham Heart Study, it blew my mind! Social networks are far more influential than we think.
The Framingham study was initially launched in 1948 to follow a group of 5,209 men and women over time, to identify common factors or characteristics that contribute to heart disease. Since that time, the study has expanded to include several additional cohorts of participants and this rich data source has been mined for many purposes beyond heart disease.
Here’s the finding that astounded me: it’s not just our friends that influence us, it’s also our friends’ friends, and the friends of our friends’ friends. In case that was too many friends to follow, the research finds that things as varied as smoking behaviors, obesity, and happiness are influenced across three degrees of separation. In other words, we’re influenced by people we don’t even know or interact with!
For example, this study used the Framingham data to look at the impact of social networks on happiness. They found that “the relationship between people’s happiness extends up to three degrees of separation.” Specifically:
If a first degree contact (friend, neighbor, spouse) is happy, it increases your probability of being happy by 15.3%.
If your friend’s friend is happy (second degree contact), it increases your chances of happiness by 9.8%.
And if your friend’s friend’s friend is happy (third degree contact) it increases your happiness by 5.6%
The research suggests a sort of contagion, or ripple effect. In other words, person zero influences their immediate social circle, who in turn influence their respective social circles. Unfortunately, this is true whether the influence is positive (like happiness, or quitting smoking) or negative (like unhappiness, or smoking).
The researchers concluded that we should look at happiness—and health—as a collective rather than individual phenomenon. (Another plug for taking a public health approach!)
Reflection
Maybe the quote needs to be revised to, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and the five people they spend the most time with, and the five people THEY spend the most time with.”?!😂
There’s no doubt that the people we are closest to have a powerful influence on how we feel, what we do, and who we become. Yet how often do we take a step back to reflect on whether our relationships are contributing to our health and happiness … or not, like this guy?
Connection Skill & Action Step: Conduct a “friendship audit”
It’s helpful to periodically set aside time to reflect on the status of your friendships. One of the first steps in the Making Friends as an Adult course is to complete a friendship self-assessment because it gives you a snapshot of where you are right now, and where to focus your time and energy to improve your friendships.
To do this on your own, spend 30 minutes or so reflecting on—and writing in response to—these prompts.
Take a look at your current friendships. How are you feeling overall? Are your connection needs being met, or are you craving something more or different?
Go through each friend individually, and ask yourself how you’re feeling about the relationship. Do you want to spend more time together and get closer? Or do you want to invest less, to free up time an energy for a friendship that may be more rewarding? Are there things left unsaid or dynamics that need to be addressed to get to a deeper level?
What do you want? Are you satisfied with your friendships, or do you want more friends, deeper friendships, or different kinds of relationships?
A word of caution: it can be hard to take an honest look at our relationships, and this exercise may stir up some feelings. If you aren’t happy with the results you got, remember that this is just a snapshot in time. Relationships fluctuate and there is always room for improvement. If it feels hard to strengthen your social circle on your own, check out the Making Friends as an Adult Course and Community.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.
How are you feeling about the overall state of your friendships?
The people you spend your time with are influencers. Who’s influencing you?