100. Conduct a Friendship Self-Assessment
You may have heard the Jim Rohn quote, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Who are you spending time with, and how are they influencing you?
We often fall into friendships, and fall into habits about whom we spend our time with … but as you’ll see, our health and happiness may depend on making more conscious choices.
Data point of the week
When I first heard about the “network phenomena” discovered in the Framingham Heart Study, it blew my mind! Social networks are far more influential than we think.
The Framingham study was initially launched in 1948 to follow a group of 5,209 men and women over time, to identify common factors or characteristics that contribute to heart disease. Since that time, the study has expanded to include several additional cohorts of participants and this rich data source has been mined for many purposes beyond heart disease.
Here’s the finding that astounded me: it’s not just our friends that influence us, it’s also our friends’ friends, and the friends of our friends’ friends. In case that was too many friends to follow, the research finds that things as varied as smoking behaviors, obesity, and happiness are influenced across three degrees of separation. In other words, we’re influenced by people we don’t even know or interact with!
For example, this study used the Framingham data to look at the impact of social networks on happiness. They found that “the relationship between people’s happiness extends up to three degrees of separation.” Specifically:
If a first degree contact (friend, neighbor, spouse) is happy, it increases your probability of being happy by 15.3%.
If your friend’s friend is happy (second degree contact), it increases your chances of happiness by 9.8%.
And if your friend’s friend’s friend is happy (third degree contact) it increases your happiness by 5.6%
The research suggests a sort of contagion, or ripple effect. In other words, person zero influences their immediate social circle, who in turn influence their respective social circles. Unfortunately, this is true whether the influence is positive (like happiness, or quitting smoking) or negative (like unhappiness, or smoking).
The researchers concluded that we should look at happiness—and health—as a collective rather than individual phenomenon. (Another plug for taking a public health approach!)
Reflection
Maybe the quote needs to be revised to, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and the five people they spend the most time with, and the five people THEY spend the most time with.”?!😂
There’s no doubt that the people we are closest to have a powerful influence on how we feel, what we do, and who we become. Yet how often do we take a step back to reflect on whether our relationships are contributing to our health and happiness … or not, like this guy?
Connection Skill & Action Step: Take a Friendship Self-Assessment
If you want to get a snapshot of how your relationships are influencing you—and how you’re feeling about them—at this current moment in time, set aside 10-15 minutes to take this friendship self-assessment I created. You can use it for family members, co-workers, or any important relationship in your life to help you reflect on:
If you’re getting what you want and need from a specific relationship, and your relationships overall.
If you want to invest more time and energy into a particular relationship, or
If you’d like to invest less into a specific relationship to free up time and energy for relationships that are more rewarding.
Examples of questions on the friendship assessment are:
When I spend time with this person, I generally feel: More drained (-1), Neutral (0), More energized (+1)
I can talk with this person about things that are important to me and how I’m really doing: No (-1), Sometimes (0), Yes (+1)
I am able to be myself with this person, flaws, quirks, strengths, and all: No (-1), Somewhat (0), Yes (+1)
A word of caution: it can be hard to take an honest look at our relationships, and this exercise may stir up some feelings. If you aren’t happy with the results you got, remember that this is just a snapshot in time. Relationships fluctuate and there is always room for improvement. If it feels hard to strengthen your social circle on your own, consider seeing a friendship coach, or attending ProjectConnect Facilitator Certification Training to lead ProjectConnect groups in your area.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments.
Are there questions you would add—or change—in this friendship assessment?
How do you think the results might inform your decisions and actions around your friendships?
Social influencers come in many forms!